Thursday, November 27, 2008
No thanks
Didn't the Macy's Parade used to be about floats? I feel like I'm watching a combo of The Today Show and the Tony Awards.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
With thanks or something
A list of thanks - not necessarily in order of importance
• I'm thankful for my two precious girls. It's a treat to watch them change and grow.
• I'm thankful for my wonderful wife. She never ceases to amaze me.
• I'm thankful that Rosie O'Donnell gets her own Thanksgiving prime time special. Thanksgiving was always meant as a chance for turkeys to get their day.
• I'm grateful the Broncos don't show up every third game, just in time to dampen the inane Super Bowl rubbish.
• I'm thankful for my news team here at the paper. They're fun, they're hardworking and they do a good job. Throw in the production team too. They make us look good.
• I'm grateful for having the best boss in the world – especially because of the big raise I'm going to get now for saying that.
• I'm thankful for 9News single-handedly taking credit a couple weeks ago for catching the individual who shot the Aurora code enforcement officer. Good job, guys. Next
stop: world hunger.
• I'm thankful that we get somebody new as president just so everybody can stop complaining about the old one.
• I'm thankful for NBC's The Office. I set my week around it.
• I'm thankful for my brother – serving in Iraq this Thanksgiving. I'll have a turkey leg for you, bro.
• I'm thankful for my two precious girls. It's a treat to watch them change and grow.
• I'm thankful for my wonderful wife. She never ceases to amaze me.
• I'm thankful that Rosie O'Donnell gets her own Thanksgiving prime time special. Thanksgiving was always meant as a chance for turkeys to get their day.
• I'm grateful the Broncos don't show up every third game, just in time to dampen the inane Super Bowl rubbish.
• I'm thankful for my news team here at the paper. They're fun, they're hardworking and they do a good job. Throw in the production team too. They make us look good.
• I'm grateful for having the best boss in the world – especially because of the big raise I'm going to get now for saying that.
• I'm thankful for 9News single-handedly taking credit a couple weeks ago for catching the individual who shot the Aurora code enforcement officer. Good job, guys. Next
stop: world hunger.
• I'm thankful that we get somebody new as president just so everybody can stop complaining about the old one.
• I'm thankful for NBC's The Office. I set my week around it.
• I'm thankful for my brother – serving in Iraq this Thanksgiving. I'll have a turkey leg for you, bro.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Neglect not
Where has thou gone, Knowmers? Do you feel neglected. Well, we've been busy between rock bands and drug busts and missing people. I've also been busy preparing my jet pack so I can fly over the Royal Gorge. On second thought, that sounds like a really bad idea. Especially with a turkey dinner so close at hand.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Deflocking Christmas
There’s a new flap over Christmas decorations each year.
Last year, Denver tried to keep religious floats out of the Parade of Lights. Big controversy. It all ended ugly with Mayor John Hickenlooper admitting, “He didn’t know Jesus but he hoped he could count on a DNC contribution for him.”
This year, it’s the city of Golden where the local rabbi suggested he wanted to put a menorah by the city’s 800-foot tall Christmas tree in honor of Hanukah.
Harmless, right? Nothing ever bad happens putting a giant candle by a Christmas tree. But city leaders, always worried about setting a precedent, thought it would open a Pandora’s box. The Kwanzaaians, not to be confused with the Kiwanis, would want to put up their own Mishumaa Saba. The Lutherans would want to put their coffee and donut table right in the middle of Main Street. And if you know Lutherans, they can mill around for hours and would really plug up traffic. The Scientologists would deposit Tom Cruise in front of the local Cineplex with a wreath on his neck. And the atheists would gobble up all the city’s open space for an accurate depiction of, well, nothing. Breathtaking.
So the city of Golden said no. And the rabbi countered that Christmas lights are religious in nature because if you look really close at the bulb, you can see the Virgin Mary. The rabbi also argued that all the trees should be deflocked because any flocking whatsoever, outside the sanctity of marriage, is forbidden.
City councilors determined that the lights stay up and the menorah stays down. They also agreed that the Santa Claus on Washington Avenue could stay because of its perch atop the historic welcome arch. Though I’m pretty sure Santa is a direct descendant of the Gimmegimme cult, founded by young kids in front of storefronts in the mid- to late-1950s.
The logical resolution would be to dump everything on Santa. He could grasp a menorah, draped in a Bendera, holding a bag full of nothing and a donut hanging out of his mouth. This idea was suggested but Santa called it offensive since he is actually an Amalgamite, which sounds like a rock but is actually a group of old, fat men who spend 364 days a year making lists.
But Golden city councilors only want secular displays. That’s just terribly ironic because, whether you celebrate Christmas or not, its roots are really not secular. So the challenge becomes being fair to all the other holidays that fall around it like Hanukah and Kwanzaa. That would be too much. So, in order to exclude them, we just say Christmas just isn’t a religious holiday. Which means at some point down the line it won’t even be Christmas anymore, it will be X-mas, Holiday Day, or Fruitcakeivus.
Here’s a better idea. I’d rather have someone focus on the display of some displaced Wisconsinite in my neighborhood. It’s the likenesses of Brett Favre, Forrest Gregg, Mike Holmgren and Vince Lombardi cooing over an infant Cheesus.
If that isn’t non-secular, I don’t know what is.
Last year, Denver tried to keep religious floats out of the Parade of Lights. Big controversy. It all ended ugly with Mayor John Hickenlooper admitting, “He didn’t know Jesus but he hoped he could count on a DNC contribution for him.”
This year, it’s the city of Golden where the local rabbi suggested he wanted to put a menorah by the city’s 800-foot tall Christmas tree in honor of Hanukah.
Harmless, right? Nothing ever bad happens putting a giant candle by a Christmas tree. But city leaders, always worried about setting a precedent, thought it would open a Pandora’s box. The Kwanzaaians, not to be confused with the Kiwanis, would want to put up their own Mishumaa Saba. The Lutherans would want to put their coffee and donut table right in the middle of Main Street. And if you know Lutherans, they can mill around for hours and would really plug up traffic. The Scientologists would deposit Tom Cruise in front of the local Cineplex with a wreath on his neck. And the atheists would gobble up all the city’s open space for an accurate depiction of, well, nothing. Breathtaking.
So the city of Golden said no. And the rabbi countered that Christmas lights are religious in nature because if you look really close at the bulb, you can see the Virgin Mary. The rabbi also argued that all the trees should be deflocked because any flocking whatsoever, outside the sanctity of marriage, is forbidden.
City councilors determined that the lights stay up and the menorah stays down. They also agreed that the Santa Claus on Washington Avenue could stay because of its perch atop the historic welcome arch. Though I’m pretty sure Santa is a direct descendant of the Gimmegimme cult, founded by young kids in front of storefronts in the mid- to late-1950s.
The logical resolution would be to dump everything on Santa. He could grasp a menorah, draped in a Bendera, holding a bag full of nothing and a donut hanging out of his mouth. This idea was suggested but Santa called it offensive since he is actually an Amalgamite, which sounds like a rock but is actually a group of old, fat men who spend 364 days a year making lists.
But Golden city councilors only want secular displays. That’s just terribly ironic because, whether you celebrate Christmas or not, its roots are really not secular. So the challenge becomes being fair to all the other holidays that fall around it like Hanukah and Kwanzaa. That would be too much. So, in order to exclude them, we just say Christmas just isn’t a religious holiday. Which means at some point down the line it won’t even be Christmas anymore, it will be X-mas, Holiday Day, or Fruitcakeivus.
Here’s a better idea. I’d rather have someone focus on the display of some displaced Wisconsinite in my neighborhood. It’s the likenesses of Brett Favre, Forrest Gregg, Mike Holmgren and Vince Lombardi cooing over an infant Cheesus.
If that isn’t non-secular, I don’t know what is.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Call the Wah-bulance
If I had a dollar for every time a TV news cameraman whined, cried and stomped his feet when I got in their way at a public event ... well, I wouldn't be doing this. I'd be in Tahiti or something. Insufferable, completely insufferable.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Too hilarious to make up
Beer truck driver accused of driving drunk
Police won't rest until they find out where that damn beer came from!
Police won't rest until they find out where that damn beer came from!
I'm Barack Obama and so are you
I was flipping through the channels Sunday when my 2-year-old-daughter screamed out, “Rock Obama.”
It was actually former Denver Bronco Shannon Sharpe.
Could have been worse. It could have been George Jefferson.
Or Webster.
We haven’t really gotten into explaining our differences as humans to my daughter yet. For our own sake, she’s probably reaching that age. I don’t want to be meeting President Obama every time we go to the grocery store or a movie or Chuck E. Cheese.
I won’t make this a political column. Obama is our new president. Some of you think that’s good. If you’re proud conservatives like my parents, then you think it’s really bad.
Everybody is entitled to an opinion and, regardless of the naysayer, I’m pretty sure that won’t change. But watching last week’s election coverage, I couldn’t help but put it into a historical context. Because whether you think Obama is the great (un-white) hope or a talking head with no substance, he will be the first African-American to govern our country.
I find myself putting events into context for what they mean for my daughters. Of course, that’s what politicians ask you to do. “Think of your children. Think of your children’s children. Think of your children’s children’s pet rabbit and Joe the Plumber’s kids too.”
But for their sake, I like to see ceilings shattered. I’ll admit I wouldn’t have been very happy if Hillary Clinton was our next president, but for the social importance of that move, I would have taken a step back and been proud. If Sarah Palin runs and wins in 2012, then will I see that as a landmark?
You betcha. And even if my daughters have a one in one zillion chance of ever being African-American (scientists have already proven), I think of the different world they will grow up in.
In school, we were always told “Anybody could be president.” But that wasn’t necessarily true. I, for instance, lacked the Ivy League genes and garish bone structure to run for the president. The girl next to me in kindergarten ate paste, so we knew she wasn’t going to be president. She did become a teen beauty queen.
But when a teacher tells her class today that her students could be president, she might be telling the truth.
Shannon Sharpe as president.
Well, you never know.
It was actually former Denver Bronco Shannon Sharpe.
Could have been worse. It could have been George Jefferson.
Or Webster.
We haven’t really gotten into explaining our differences as humans to my daughter yet. For our own sake, she’s probably reaching that age. I don’t want to be meeting President Obama every time we go to the grocery store or a movie or Chuck E. Cheese.
I won’t make this a political column. Obama is our new president. Some of you think that’s good. If you’re proud conservatives like my parents, then you think it’s really bad.
Everybody is entitled to an opinion and, regardless of the naysayer, I’m pretty sure that won’t change. But watching last week’s election coverage, I couldn’t help but put it into a historical context. Because whether you think Obama is the great (un-white) hope or a talking head with no substance, he will be the first African-American to govern our country.
I find myself putting events into context for what they mean for my daughters. Of course, that’s what politicians ask you to do. “Think of your children. Think of your children’s children. Think of your children’s children’s pet rabbit and Joe the Plumber’s kids too.”
But for their sake, I like to see ceilings shattered. I’ll admit I wouldn’t have been very happy if Hillary Clinton was our next president, but for the social importance of that move, I would have taken a step back and been proud. If Sarah Palin runs and wins in 2012, then will I see that as a landmark?
You betcha. And even if my daughters have a one in one zillion chance of ever being African-American (scientists have already proven), I think of the different world they will grow up in.
In school, we were always told “Anybody could be president.” But that wasn’t necessarily true. I, for instance, lacked the Ivy League genes and garish bone structure to run for the president. The girl next to me in kindergarten ate paste, so we knew she wasn’t going to be president. She did become a teen beauty queen.
But when a teacher tells her class today that her students could be president, she might be telling the truth.
Shannon Sharpe as president.
Well, you never know.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
This is no way to watch sports
There is a place for an avid sports fan before a crucial October baseball game.
It is in the recliner in front of the television with a beer, pretzels and a remote control. ‘
Or down on your knees, scrubbing vomit out of your carpet.
Welcome to life as a parent where the wretched acidic underbelly of responsibility waits for no man or sporting event.
My 2-year-old daughter works on a “three strikes and it’s coming out” policy when it comes to getting physically ill. Twice, she will tell you that she thinks she has to and twice you will dash with her in arm to the kitchen sink like a heroic soldier with a live grenade.
Think of her as a volcano. She might let out some puffs to let you know of an impending eruption but when it comes you are never prepared. The ground begins to rumble, steam protrudes from her eyes and my wife picks up this spewing Mount Vesuvius in a futile attempt to make it back to that sink.
I frantically load my other daughter, our dog and some of our irreplaceable valuables into the car and try to flee. I usually get halfway down the block when my wife summons me back.
My wife is the most terrific mom in the world. But my wife does not do children's internal distress. This is different from my mom. As a child, I would often get tummy flu one to two times a week, sometimes one to two times a night. My mom became a bed changing pit crew. One time, I clocked her getting new sheets on my bed and new clothes on me in 8.9 seconds before the lights were out and we were both back in bed.
My wife never made such promises. In fact, it was a given from the onset of parent that, come hell or high (well you know) that cleaning up after our ill children was going to be my gig.
And, not to brag, but I’ve become pretty good at it. On an average, I can have a room gutted and remodeled (new carpet, new drywall, a fresh coat of paint) in about two days.
I have an affinity for the sick kid. So, the other night when the same daughter came down with a cold and nasty cough, it was Daddy holding her in the recliner at 12:30 a.m., watching a movie. Maybe it is penance for all the times I got my mom out of bed or she drove me to the emergency room with a ear ache in the middle of the night, that I have a special spot in my heart for the vomitteer.
But it sure doesn’t leave much time to watch sports.
It is in the recliner in front of the television with a beer, pretzels and a remote control. ‘
Or down on your knees, scrubbing vomit out of your carpet.
Welcome to life as a parent where the wretched acidic underbelly of responsibility waits for no man or sporting event.
My 2-year-old daughter works on a “three strikes and it’s coming out” policy when it comes to getting physically ill. Twice, she will tell you that she thinks she has to and twice you will dash with her in arm to the kitchen sink like a heroic soldier with a live grenade.
Think of her as a volcano. She might let out some puffs to let you know of an impending eruption but when it comes you are never prepared. The ground begins to rumble, steam protrudes from her eyes and my wife picks up this spewing Mount Vesuvius in a futile attempt to make it back to that sink.
I frantically load my other daughter, our dog and some of our irreplaceable valuables into the car and try to flee. I usually get halfway down the block when my wife summons me back.
My wife is the most terrific mom in the world. But my wife does not do children's internal distress. This is different from my mom. As a child, I would often get tummy flu one to two times a week, sometimes one to two times a night. My mom became a bed changing pit crew. One time, I clocked her getting new sheets on my bed and new clothes on me in 8.9 seconds before the lights were out and we were both back in bed.
My wife never made such promises. In fact, it was a given from the onset of parent that, come hell or high (well you know) that cleaning up after our ill children was going to be my gig.
And, not to brag, but I’ve become pretty good at it. On an average, I can have a room gutted and remodeled (new carpet, new drywall, a fresh coat of paint) in about two days.
I have an affinity for the sick kid. So, the other night when the same daughter came down with a cold and nasty cough, it was Daddy holding her in the recliner at 12:30 a.m., watching a movie. Maybe it is penance for all the times I got my mom out of bed or she drove me to the emergency room with a ear ache in the middle of the night, that I have a special spot in my heart for the vomitteer.
But it sure doesn’t leave much time to watch sports.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Election Night
9:55 p.m.
Brighton, Aurora, Thornton School Districts all defeated on bonds and mills. The state of the economy sent a strong message tonight.
9:50 p.m.
27J has suffered an apparent humbling defeat at the polls. Mary Hodge has won. Dave Rose has lost to Kevin Priola. Look for more details soon at the web site.
9:27 p.m.
John McCain is a true American – classy even in light of a tough defeat.
9:23 p.m.
Broken record – we're waiting for Adams results.
9:05 p.m.
Barack Obama is the next President of the United States.
9:00 p.m.
Maybe putting times on my posts would be helpful. We haven't heard anything from Adams County yet. This isn't unusual. They take their time.
Time to change the political system. Let's give states the president they vote for.
If we don't get something from Adams, 27J supporters are going to have breakfast at Lonestar.
Special thanks to my sister for providing her political analysis. Still awaiting numbers from Puerto Rico.
Is Anderson Cooper really in hologram form on CNN? "Spock, we must do something."
Anxiously awaiting some Adams County numbers. They usually get going about 8:30 p.m.
Close vote in Florida. Oh no.
I want to hear from you people tonight. What are you thinking?
Mark Schlereth signing autographs at the King Soopers at 136th and Colorado in Thornton tomorrow. Don't want to miss it.
Call Gene Sears, he has primary results in his hot little hand. Yes, we're a little eager for data.
Andrew Romanoff is talking about magical moments. Somebody just got their first kiss!
McDonald's hardwood is having a sale. Yes, that's the amount of local results we have right now. Anybody want a crossiant-wich.
Betsy Markey is off the lie detector and hammering Musgrave.
Is Ron Ames out there tonight. Ron, your thoughts on the proceedings so far?
Stop calling about Sears for Mayor. There won't be any official announcements until after this election.
Ann Curry is in front of a green screen. A freakin green screen? Is this Forrest Gump?
Hello to all the 27J people gathering at Lonestar Steakhouse. The steaks are on Superintendent Blunck tonight.
Adam Schraeger is on 9News. That means this has become "Your Election."
Has everyone got their Colorado Pass for skiing yet? Yes, kids, it will snow some day.
NBC is projecting I will lose my fantasy hockey matchup this week. It's only Tuesday, this is irresponsibly early.
Brighton Blade reporter Gene Sears has announced he will run for Brighton Mayor in '09. Stunning.
No matter who wins, Masdagascar 2 will be in theaters Friday. My daughter has
her ticket.
Answer the question, Betsy Markey. (I'm just kidding)
Colorado is voting Obama, according to NBC. It's 7:05!
Seriously, what is Tom Brokaw doing there?
Barack Obama wins Wisconsin. SOC – Save Our Cheese!
Bob Kendrick is quitting 9News. I think he's just mailing it in tonight. Still I think the boxer shorts and wife beater is tacky.
Is anyone really watching the ballots being counted live in Douglas County. Wait, I fell asleep, did someone answer?
Betsy Markey is still on the lie detector.
Is Tom Janich in a race tonight?
I love this commercial where the old guy is just blown away by the cell phone. When he re-enlists will tell him about DVD players.
Chuck Todd will write Bush 100 times on the chalkboard before he goes home. No more teasing girls!
Chuck Todd, get out your pen. And Annie get your gun. I'm sorry did he just refer to an iron triangle of survival?
I know it's coming fast. I'll slow down once I find something to do.
Did they say someone wants to mount McCain and didn't Tom Brokaw retire?
According to the NBC graphic, the Democrats have seized the mezzanine of the Senate. Still plenty of seats left in the orchestra. Go to ticketmaster.com.
I'm ready for some local races? Are you? Time to see if Millionaire Betsy Markey is still hooked up to the lie detector.
Chuck Todd of NBC (Tim Russert reincarnated) said we're starting to get some clues." Looks like Palin in the study with the wrench.
God bless, Gary, Ind.
Isn't this giant United States map on NBC just wild. I want to see somebody fall on the ice rink carrying out Texas. Obama projected for Minnesota – oh wait, save by the goalie. Do you believe in Red States? Yes!
Is anyone already in withdrawal over the missing campaign commercials? Mark Udall, I miss you. I'm just kidding.
Hi, welcome to my Election Night blog. This will be fun. I'm going to be updating all night with random thoughts. NBC, our channel of choice tonight because it's the only one that comes in at the office, just declared, in the midst of a Biggest Loser commercial, America will undergo a dramatic transformation. Enjoy your new boobies, Kansas. It's magic time.
Brighton, Aurora, Thornton School Districts all defeated on bonds and mills. The state of the economy sent a strong message tonight.
9:50 p.m.
27J has suffered an apparent humbling defeat at the polls. Mary Hodge has won. Dave Rose has lost to Kevin Priola. Look for more details soon at the web site.
9:27 p.m.
John McCain is a true American – classy even in light of a tough defeat.
9:23 p.m.
Broken record – we're waiting for Adams results.
9:05 p.m.
Barack Obama is the next President of the United States.
9:00 p.m.
Maybe putting times on my posts would be helpful. We haven't heard anything from Adams County yet. This isn't unusual. They take their time.
Time to change the political system. Let's give states the president they vote for.
If we don't get something from Adams, 27J supporters are going to have breakfast at Lonestar.
Special thanks to my sister for providing her political analysis. Still awaiting numbers from Puerto Rico.
Is Anderson Cooper really in hologram form on CNN? "Spock, we must do something."
Anxiously awaiting some Adams County numbers. They usually get going about 8:30 p.m.
Close vote in Florida. Oh no.
I want to hear from you people tonight. What are you thinking?
Mark Schlereth signing autographs at the King Soopers at 136th and Colorado in Thornton tomorrow. Don't want to miss it.
Call Gene Sears, he has primary results in his hot little hand. Yes, we're a little eager for data.
Andrew Romanoff is talking about magical moments. Somebody just got their first kiss!
McDonald's hardwood is having a sale. Yes, that's the amount of local results we have right now. Anybody want a crossiant-wich.
Betsy Markey is off the lie detector and hammering Musgrave.
Is Ron Ames out there tonight. Ron, your thoughts on the proceedings so far?
Stop calling about Sears for Mayor. There won't be any official announcements until after this election.
Ann Curry is in front of a green screen. A freakin green screen? Is this Forrest Gump?
Hello to all the 27J people gathering at Lonestar Steakhouse. The steaks are on Superintendent Blunck tonight.
Adam Schraeger is on 9News. That means this has become "Your Election."
Has everyone got their Colorado Pass for skiing yet? Yes, kids, it will snow some day.
NBC is projecting I will lose my fantasy hockey matchup this week. It's only Tuesday, this is irresponsibly early.
Brighton Blade reporter Gene Sears has announced he will run for Brighton Mayor in '09. Stunning.
No matter who wins, Masdagascar 2 will be in theaters Friday. My daughter has
her ticket.
Answer the question, Betsy Markey. (I'm just kidding)
Colorado is voting Obama, according to NBC. It's 7:05!
Seriously, what is Tom Brokaw doing there?
Barack Obama wins Wisconsin. SOC – Save Our Cheese!
Bob Kendrick is quitting 9News. I think he's just mailing it in tonight. Still I think the boxer shorts and wife beater is tacky.
Is anyone really watching the ballots being counted live in Douglas County. Wait, I fell asleep, did someone answer?
Betsy Markey is still on the lie detector.
Is Tom Janich in a race tonight?
I love this commercial where the old guy is just blown away by the cell phone. When he re-enlists will tell him about DVD players.
Chuck Todd will write Bush 100 times on the chalkboard before he goes home. No more teasing girls!
Chuck Todd, get out your pen. And Annie get your gun. I'm sorry did he just refer to an iron triangle of survival?
I know it's coming fast. I'll slow down once I find something to do.
Did they say someone wants to mount McCain and didn't Tom Brokaw retire?
According to the NBC graphic, the Democrats have seized the mezzanine of the Senate. Still plenty of seats left in the orchestra. Go to ticketmaster.com.
I'm ready for some local races? Are you? Time to see if Millionaire Betsy Markey is still hooked up to the lie detector.
Chuck Todd of NBC (Tim Russert reincarnated) said we're starting to get some clues." Looks like Palin in the study with the wrench.
God bless, Gary, Ind.
Isn't this giant United States map on NBC just wild. I want to see somebody fall on the ice rink carrying out Texas. Obama projected for Minnesota – oh wait, save by the goalie. Do you believe in Red States? Yes!
Is anyone already in withdrawal over the missing campaign commercials? Mark Udall, I miss you. I'm just kidding.
Hi, welcome to my Election Night blog. This will be fun. I'm going to be updating all night with random thoughts. NBC, our channel of choice tonight because it's the only one that comes in at the office, just declared, in the midst of a Biggest Loser commercial, America will undergo a dramatic transformation. Enjoy your new boobies, Kansas. It's magic time.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Change we need
Barack Obama would have been proud. At 5:30 a.m., we changed my daughter's poopy diaper. Once we got the new diaper on, she pooped again and she finished with a trifecta of fresh poopy diapers. This is an omen. This could be the change he's talking about.
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