Update: Upon further review, Congress has decided to delay the DTV switch until June. C'mon over, Koebrich, but bring your damn wings!
If the U.S. House of Representatives does nothing for the next year – even if they do nothing for the next 20 years – they did the right thing last week by choosing not to delay the long-planned Feb. 17 nationwide switch from analog to digital television.
I say that if only for the sake of the many Denver families who have been victims of unwanted home invasions by Denver television news personalities over the past several months. Local news stations have made it their personal responsibility to inform and prepare us for this switch.
Common citizens,
particularly our elderly, have been the most susceptible, momentarily blinded by the bright glare of television cameras and then frightened by the undead look of television anchors caked in more makeup than one Tammy Faye Bakker (God rest her soul). By the time they come to their senses, an individual who, up until this point, was just a figment of their television is rummaging through their refrigerator, barking, “Where the hell are those leftover chicken wings, Ethel?” The television anchor then plops down on the couple’s wretched plaid-striped couch and demands Howard “turn off this ‘American Idol’ crap” and turn on the game because “I’ve got money on this one.”
The result is an awkward promotional spot where the gleeful television personality, almost unintelligible because his mouth is still half full of food, wipes away coffee cake crumbs from his face and encourages citizens to be ready for the big switch to digital television.
Ethel, who has been gradually scooting toward the end of couch, suddenly makes a break for it. A cattle prod comes into the shot and Ethel falls to the ground, convulses for several seconds before the disheveled woman gingerly climbs back on to the couch.
Consumer groups have pushed to delay the transition date to June 12 because of worries that 20 million mostly poor, elderly and rural households are not ready for the congressionally mandated switch. They also argued that not having a working television would put them in danger of missing something important. I think that argument lost relevance when Fox aired “Pimp My Midget.”
Sometimes we have to press on and hope people catch up. This is called progress. It’s why we don’t use rotary-dial phones anymore or stop at crosswalks. Regardless of government coupons or even government cheese, there will be some people not prepared for this switch, either by inability, design, ignorance or because they don’t watch television anyway. We don’t have to worry about the latter group. They should worry about us.
The others will be more recognizable. They will be the ones in their front yard, beating their television with a wooden bat because “it don’t work no more.” Those people can be directed to a necessary converter box, a liquidation sale at Circuit City and then toward Rockies spring training.
Even as I write this, there is a possibility that lawmakers could still reach some sort of compromise to delay the television switch. For all the television anchors waiting outside our doors with empty stomachs and an angry bookie, I hope they don’t.
