Monday, March 31, 2008
Come and get it
I don't do this often, even though the invitation is always there. However, some folks (Todd Creek residents) have already sent me some e-mails angry about an article I wrote last week about their frustration with plans by the community board of directors to raise water rates. I'm giving any Todd Creekers the opportunity to come on my blog and have it out with me, share their gripes. Let's have a dialogue. Maybe I can understand your position better.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Go, granny, go
One of my biggest pet peeves is folks who show up at protests and have no reason for being there. Exhibit A: this photo from the Rocky Mountain News website of folks protesting a fee for skiers using Interstate 70. Pay special attention to grandma on the right with the "Tolls are for Trolls" sign. Listen up, CDOT, nobody, I mean nobody, is going to make Grandma pay extra for "shredding it" on the slopes. Go home,granny, bake us some cookies or knit us a quilt! At least the dork next to you, dressed up as spelunker, appears to have some reason for being there.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Finding the real drips
First, an admission. I don’t drink coffee. I tried it once but never inhaled. My parents, however, did once catch me sucking on charcoal briquettes as a child so I do consider myself an expert in disgusting, albeit addictive tastes.
So when I spend the next 500 or 600 words railing against the world’s most popular coffee shop and its ambitious plans to end slumping sales, remember I know nothing about coffee.
I’m also not a businessman. Although I did con my parents and several other suckers into buying hundreds of dollars worth of crappy chocolate in the late ’80s so I could win a pencil.
Last week, the Starbuck’s CEO, who I was disappointed to know isn’t named Kimi, unveiled a five-fold plan to give the struggling chain a shot (yes, we’re using ironic puns here and if you don’t like it, go find another column about coffee).
Among those ideas is a loyalty rewards card that gives customers perks (yeah, shut up, you just wish you were this witty) every time they buy a cup of coffee. This could mean free Wi-Fi time, an extra cup of soy milk (if you don’t pack your own like I do) or even free refills on drip coffee. Not included, but obviously needed, are ear plugs the next time they release a special CD where Kenny G. plays Bob Marley songs on the kazoo.
They’ll bring back a ground fresh in-store drip coffee eliminated because baristas became far too busy writing really long names on cups. But the coup d’état came when the aforementioned CEO, Howard Schultz (no relation to Snoopy) unveiled the new
espresso machine, the Mastrena.
Not since Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder, not the creepy, Johnny Depp version) unveiled the Everlasting Gobstopper have I seen someone survey such a creation with such a sense of unblemished pomposity.
Apparently, the Mastrena is a foot shorter than the current Versimo model. This means it will be easier for customers to see the snotty 18-year-old barista sneezing in your drink because you copped an attitude. Baristas also will be able to experiment with different types of shots like ristretto shots (less water) and long shots (more water). Funny, bartenders never needed such fancy machinery.
There is also a website where jittery coffeeholics can share their thoughts with the coffee kings; i.e., it’s 2:30 in the morning and I wish I could sleep.
Starbucks is also going to be more environmentally friendly, teaming with Conservation International to examine the issue of global deforestation. This is apparently a problem because coffee beans are grown in the shade. I say give all the coffee bean farmers gigantic souvenir Starbucks umbrellas to protect the beans.
These ideas are all super. But you know what? It’s like me finding a giant hole in my roof and, instead of fixing the hole, just getting a bigger tarp to collect all the rainwater.
Starbucks is missing their biggest problem. Their own professed goal of wanting at least two coffee shops on every corner has led to oversaturation. There is nothing unique about Starbucks any more – you can and will find them anywhere.
Plus, the competition has caught up. Was there any doubt they would? We’ve got a group of coffee maestros in my office every morning determined to blend the perfect cup. Wouldn’t all the other businesses long with their throats stuck under the foot of Starbucks do the same?
Starbucks is trying to solve their flagging business but they’re looking in a completely different direction. Even I can look over a tall espresso machine and see that.
So when I spend the next 500 or 600 words railing against the world’s most popular coffee shop and its ambitious plans to end slumping sales, remember I know nothing about coffee.
I’m also not a businessman. Although I did con my parents and several other suckers into buying hundreds of dollars worth of crappy chocolate in the late ’80s so I could win a pencil.
Last week, the Starbuck’s CEO, who I was disappointed to know isn’t named Kimi, unveiled a five-fold plan to give the struggling chain a shot (yes, we’re using ironic puns here and if you don’t like it, go find another column about coffee).
Among those ideas is a loyalty rewards card that gives customers perks (yeah, shut up, you just wish you were this witty) every time they buy a cup of coffee. This could mean free Wi-Fi time, an extra cup of soy milk (if you don’t pack your own like I do) or even free refills on drip coffee. Not included, but obviously needed, are ear plugs the next time they release a special CD where Kenny G. plays Bob Marley songs on the kazoo.
They’ll bring back a ground fresh in-store drip coffee eliminated because baristas became far too busy writing really long names on cups. But the coup d’état came when the aforementioned CEO, Howard Schultz (no relation to Snoopy) unveiled the new
espresso machine, the Mastrena.
Not since Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder, not the creepy, Johnny Depp version) unveiled the Everlasting Gobstopper have I seen someone survey such a creation with such a sense of unblemished pomposity.
Apparently, the Mastrena is a foot shorter than the current Versimo model. This means it will be easier for customers to see the snotty 18-year-old barista sneezing in your drink because you copped an attitude. Baristas also will be able to experiment with different types of shots like ristretto shots (less water) and long shots (more water). Funny, bartenders never needed such fancy machinery.
There is also a website where jittery coffeeholics can share their thoughts with the coffee kings; i.e., it’s 2:30 in the morning and I wish I could sleep.
Starbucks is also going to be more environmentally friendly, teaming with Conservation International to examine the issue of global deforestation. This is apparently a problem because coffee beans are grown in the shade. I say give all the coffee bean farmers gigantic souvenir Starbucks umbrellas to protect the beans.
These ideas are all super. But you know what? It’s like me finding a giant hole in my roof and, instead of fixing the hole, just getting a bigger tarp to collect all the rainwater.
Starbucks is missing their biggest problem. Their own professed goal of wanting at least two coffee shops on every corner has led to oversaturation. There is nothing unique about Starbucks any more – you can and will find them anywhere.
Plus, the competition has caught up. Was there any doubt they would? We’ve got a group of coffee maestros in my office every morning determined to blend the perfect cup. Wouldn’t all the other businesses long with their throats stuck under the foot of Starbucks do the same?
Starbucks is trying to solve their flagging business but they’re looking in a completely different direction. Even I can look over a tall espresso machine and see that.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
The pain, the pain
The end of my fast food fast was supposed to come with joy, but instead my return to the happy land of grease and fries is marked with sadness. Apparently, Denver Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall seriously injured his right arm when he allegedly slipped on a fast food bag and severed arteries and tendons in his arm. Full disclosure: there are conflicting reports that Marshall injured the arm wrestling with a family member – possibly over the last cheeseburger.
Nevertheless, Marshall is out for up to three months, Bronco coach Mike Shannahan is hooking the suspect bag up to a lie detector and I can't think of a more haunting reminder of how dangerous fast food really is.
Cartoon characters can stop slipping on banana peels, we've got a new culprit in town!
Nevertheless, Marshall is out for up to three months, Bronco coach Mike Shannahan is hooking the suspect bag up to a lie detector and I can't think of a more haunting reminder of how dangerous fast food really is.
Cartoon characters can stop slipping on banana peels, we've got a new culprit in town!
Monday, March 24, 2008
We did it!
We did it. We made it through the whole Lenten season with no fast food! Thanks to all of you for your support. And, by the will of the people, I won't be eating fast food today, at least not for lunch. See, I listen to the Knowmers.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
These chicks are causing a stir
We'll you've read it and, if you haven't, read it at www.metrowestfyi.com. Then let me know whether you think the Mercantile's sale of colored chicks and ducks for Easter is morally reprehensible or not?
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Fire district: get developers to help or soak them
Lost in the Standard Blade a couple weeks ago, amidst the ongoing shenanigans of a certain local charter high school, was an article about the Brighton Fire District’s plans for future stations and, more specifically, Fire Chief Mark Bodane’s belief that developers, not taxpayers, should pay for the facilities.
I foolishly thought the article might inspire some positive feedback or maybe even perhaps a small parade through the streets of town.
Instead, maybe readers were inclined to think, “I’ll believe it when I see it” or “this guy sure isn’t from around here.”
After all, while the idea of developers pitching in a buck here or there might be germane to Bodane’s native Prairie State (Illinois for all you poli-sci majors), here it is akin to poor Bob Cratchit begging the miserly Scrooge for a plinckett or thrickel (whatever the going currency was in the times of Dickens).
So residents, the veritable Tiny Tim when it comes to footing the tax bill, can be understood if they take a wait-and-see approach to any assertions they won’t be left on the hook to pay for new development in the fire district.
However, because an article titled, “Chief vows to ‘stick it to poor saps again’” would have not only made the front page but undoubtedly inspired a tumult of letters on our opinion pages, I think it is fair to give Bodane and the district credit for, at the very least, floating the idea that developers pay for what they wrought. It beats the alternative – immediately shaking an empty tin can in front of voters.
Of course, the long, winding road from words to actions is dotted with potholes including an Interstate 25-sized gully that prevents mandatory impact fees on developers.
With that in mind, the other obstacle standing between any local entity and over-taxed residents getting a fair share from developers is what people in some places would call a lack of testicular fortitude. That coming from not only asking developers that they help out but, when they turn their pockets inside out and feign poverty, still demanding their assistance or, in the fire district’s case, dousing them with a high-pressure hose.
If the fire district needs a model where developers have been willing to help, it would be School District 27J where the Capital Facilities Fee Foundation has wrangled some dough from developers even though the totals seem puny compared to the transformations new growth has caused the school district.
But while the fire district can be commended for looking first to developers, it is also obvious Bodane is a quick study, realizing that this same community turned down a major mill levy increase several years ago that included money for new stations and only more recently agreed to a smaller tax increase.
Voters, aside from the fact that they experienced unease at seeing firefighters at the grocery store (call it a love of gaunt and scrawny firefighters) collectively decided that having their house burn to the ground was easier to take than forking over the money for a new fire station down the street.
That’s a frightening indication of how much voters really hate the thought of any new taxes.
So a wise fire district knows it can’t necessarily count on the voters being in a giving mood the next time around and must study another options.
Logically, there is no reason developers wouldn’t want to chip in especially when it comes to something like a fire station. Proper fire coverage equals a better department ISO rating and that equals lower insurance premiums for homeowners.
However, the district also must fear that the ongoing economic downturn and development slowdown will spurn the prevalent theory of developer contribution and lead us back to offering yams and fruit baskets and a ceremonial key to the city to burden taxpayers, add traffic and pollution and take away its identity.
If the fire district is able to get developers on board with its future plans, good for them.
Until they do, I’d save those plincketts.
And thrickels, too.
Kevin Denke’s column Spare Change appears weekly in the Brighton Blade and every Wednesday here at his blog. Contact him at kdenke@metrowestnewspapers.com or 303-659-2522, ext. 225.
I foolishly thought the article might inspire some positive feedback or maybe even perhaps a small parade through the streets of town.
Instead, maybe readers were inclined to think, “I’ll believe it when I see it” or “this guy sure isn’t from around here.”
After all, while the idea of developers pitching in a buck here or there might be germane to Bodane’s native Prairie State (Illinois for all you poli-sci majors), here it is akin to poor Bob Cratchit begging the miserly Scrooge for a plinckett or thrickel (whatever the going currency was in the times of Dickens).
So residents, the veritable Tiny Tim when it comes to footing the tax bill, can be understood if they take a wait-and-see approach to any assertions they won’t be left on the hook to pay for new development in the fire district.
However, because an article titled, “Chief vows to ‘stick it to poor saps again’” would have not only made the front page but undoubtedly inspired a tumult of letters on our opinion pages, I think it is fair to give Bodane and the district credit for, at the very least, floating the idea that developers pay for what they wrought. It beats the alternative – immediately shaking an empty tin can in front of voters.
Of course, the long, winding road from words to actions is dotted with potholes including an Interstate 25-sized gully that prevents mandatory impact fees on developers.
With that in mind, the other obstacle standing between any local entity and over-taxed residents getting a fair share from developers is what people in some places would call a lack of testicular fortitude. That coming from not only asking developers that they help out but, when they turn their pockets inside out and feign poverty, still demanding their assistance or, in the fire district’s case, dousing them with a high-pressure hose.
If the fire district needs a model where developers have been willing to help, it would be School District 27J where the Capital Facilities Fee Foundation has wrangled some dough from developers even though the totals seem puny compared to the transformations new growth has caused the school district.
But while the fire district can be commended for looking first to developers, it is also obvious Bodane is a quick study, realizing that this same community turned down a major mill levy increase several years ago that included money for new stations and only more recently agreed to a smaller tax increase.
Voters, aside from the fact that they experienced unease at seeing firefighters at the grocery store (call it a love of gaunt and scrawny firefighters) collectively decided that having their house burn to the ground was easier to take than forking over the money for a new fire station down the street.
That’s a frightening indication of how much voters really hate the thought of any new taxes.
So a wise fire district knows it can’t necessarily count on the voters being in a giving mood the next time around and must study another options.
Logically, there is no reason developers wouldn’t want to chip in especially when it comes to something like a fire station. Proper fire coverage equals a better department ISO rating and that equals lower insurance premiums for homeowners.
However, the district also must fear that the ongoing economic downturn and development slowdown will spurn the prevalent theory of developer contribution and lead us back to offering yams and fruit baskets and a ceremonial key to the city to burden taxpayers, add traffic and pollution and take away its identity.
If the fire district is able to get developers on board with its future plans, good for them.
Until they do, I’d save those plincketts.
And thrickels, too.
Kevin Denke’s column Spare Change appears weekly in the Brighton Blade and every Wednesday here at his blog. Contact him at kdenke@metrowestnewspapers.com or 303-659-2522, ext. 225.
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