First, an admission. I don’t drink coffee. I tried it once but never inhaled. My parents, however, did once catch me sucking on charcoal briquettes as a child so I do consider myself an expert in disgusting, albeit addictive tastes.
So when I spend the next 500 or 600 words railing against the world’s most popular coffee shop and its ambitious plans to end slumping sales, remember I know nothing about coffee.
I’m also not a businessman. Although I did con my parents and several other suckers into buying hundreds of dollars worth of crappy chocolate in the late ’80s so I could win a pencil.
Last week, the Starbuck’s CEO, who I was disappointed to know isn’t named Kimi, unveiled a five-fold plan to give the struggling chain a shot (yes, we’re using ironic puns here and if you don’t like it, go find another column about coffee).
Among those ideas is a loyalty rewards card that gives customers perks (yeah, shut up, you just wish you were this witty) every time they buy a cup of coffee. This could mean free Wi-Fi time, an extra cup of soy milk (if you don’t pack your own like I do) or even free refills on drip coffee. Not included, but obviously needed, are ear plugs the next time they release a special CD where Kenny G. plays Bob Marley songs on the kazoo.
They’ll bring back a ground fresh in-store drip coffee eliminated because baristas became far too busy writing really long names on cups. But the coup d’état came when the aforementioned CEO, Howard Schultz (no relation to Snoopy) unveiled the new
espresso machine, the Mastrena.
Not since Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder, not the creepy, Johnny Depp version) unveiled the Everlasting Gobstopper have I seen someone survey such a creation with such a sense of unblemished pomposity.
Apparently, the Mastrena is a foot shorter than the current Versimo model. This means it will be easier for customers to see the snotty 18-year-old barista sneezing in your drink because you copped an attitude. Baristas also will be able to experiment with different types of shots like ristretto shots (less water) and long shots (more water). Funny, bartenders never needed such fancy machinery.
There is also a website where jittery coffeeholics can share their thoughts with the coffee kings; i.e., it’s 2:30 in the morning and I wish I could sleep.
Starbucks is also going to be more environmentally friendly, teaming with Conservation International to examine the issue of global deforestation. This is apparently a problem because coffee beans are grown in the shade. I say give all the coffee bean farmers gigantic souvenir Starbucks umbrellas to protect the beans.
These ideas are all super. But you know what? It’s like me finding a giant hole in my roof and, instead of fixing the hole, just getting a bigger tarp to collect all the rainwater.
Starbucks is missing their biggest problem. Their own professed goal of wanting at least two coffee shops on every corner has led to oversaturation. There is nothing unique about Starbucks any more – you can and will find them anywhere.
Plus, the competition has caught up. Was there any doubt they would? We’ve got a group of coffee maestros in my office every morning determined to blend the perfect cup. Wouldn’t all the other businesses long with their throats stuck under the foot of Starbucks do the same?
Starbucks is trying to solve their flagging business but they’re looking in a completely different direction. Even I can look over a tall espresso machine and see that.
