Tigermania

What a week to be home.
I picked last week for my first annual (yes, it can be both first and annual if I promise to do it again next year) post-Thanksgiving vegetation.
This was a special week for me to sit at home in my recliner and really let those Thanksgiving calories simmer. I don’t think I’ll get much argument that actual physical movement is the antithesis of what Thanksgiving is all about – gaining too much weight and falsely promising to do something about it in your New Year’s resolution. Especially, if your New Year’s resolution is, like mine, to gain more weight.
But even I, sprawled out on the floor as I fell trying to reach the television remote control, couldn’t have asked for better entertainment than the enthralling soap opera “All Tiger’s Women.”
Truthfully, never been a big fan of golf. I’ve never seen the athletic value of hitting a ball, getting in a cart and driving to the ball so you could get hit it again. I’ve always thought the redneck sport of destroying mailboxes from a moving car offered much more excitement, not to mention criminal repercussions.
But, as it becomes readily apparent that Tiger had a post-season workout regimen unrivaled since the likes of Wilt Chamberlain, I think I can at least draw a little more appreciation for his sport.
I can appreciate the physical stamina needed to outrun an angry wife wielding a golf club. I actually medaled in the 200-meter toaster throw dash. But in the throws of the end of “Jon and Kate Plus 8,” watching another celebrity marriage simultaneously implode on eight different channels was the perfect antidote.
What still perplexed me as I flipped between the tabloid television shows and Maury Povich (the topic last week was “I didn’t know he was my Dad but now he’s my Baby Daddy”), I was struck by one pesky, unshakeable thought.
Who cares?
Why was it so paramount for a Denver television news station to start its 5 o’clock broadcast with the latest on the Woods non-investigation? Was there a public safety threat? Did Tiger’s Escalade happen to be careening towards a home in the Denver area? Two local drivers did plant their vehicles in houses last week but, alas, neither was a professional golfer.
Maybe Tiger was in town, hosting auditions for his new reality television show “So you think I can drive?” Nope.
It’s that herd mentality. Remember that scene from “Airplane!” where the group of reporters toppled over a row of phone booths as they run into them all at once? Same thing.
The purveyance of pop culture dominated headlines is sickening. Do I really care that Adam Lambert kissed some guy during the American Music Awards? No. Am I glad it wasn’t me? Well, sure.
But the media gives us what we want. We weren’t subjected to six hours of Falcon Heene coverage (As My Balloon turns) against our will. If people ate lima beans at a buffet, there would be lima beans at the buffet.
The media is a consumer-fed beast. Sure, after a few days, we scream we’ve had enough. But it’s too late.
And yet, here I am. Playing into the game. Giving a story with no worldly or wordly value even more ink.
But I’m hooked. I can’t help it. I’m dying to know the difference between a golf ball and an Escalade.

So long

Dear Knowmers,
Let's face it. We knew this was coming for a while. My daily posts have turned into weekly posts, my weekly posts have turned into monthly posts and my monthly posts have turned into no posts at all. And judging by some comments left on my last post, the inactivity and inanity of my blogging has become to too much for some to bear. I know it's cliche but "it's not you, it's me." In my many roles as managing editor, I simply don't have the time to do this blog justice any more. As for meaty posts tackling real issues, that was never my intent here. It was supposed to be fun, a break from the day-to-day grind of life (for both you and me). I always worried anything else would compromise my most-prized asset – objectivity. I tried to resurrect it as a site to be critical of the media but it only came off as sniping about Denver television media and that doesn't do any good. This isn't goodbye. You can still find me in the papers and I've been churning out a ton of stories lately. I've cherished this unique way to interact with you and appreciate your devout following. I'll leave it up for a while so you can take in some of the best of – I think it still stands up.
Kevin

I'll support this law

I'm not sure on the whole hands-free cell phone legislation making its way through the state legislature – seems like another way for the man to keep me down. But I will support a similar law. Yesterday, I was following a piece of construction equipment down Riverdale Road. Everytime I attempted to get around him, he would drift to the center line. At first, I thought he was just being annoying. Turns out he was on his cell phone. Construction equipment drivers on cell phones is a disaster waiting to happen. Please ban that! Any legislator want to take up my cause?

It's a major award!

Would you look at that? It's a lamp!

HILLSBORO, Ore.— A scary situation turned into a strange one when a bomb squad determined that a suspicious package left outside the Washington County Sheriff's Office contained a prosthetic leg. Sheriff's Sgt. Vance Stimler said deputies called the Portland bomb squad out to Hillsboro Sunday afternoon after noticing a canvas bag with a cylinder-shaped object sticking out.
With the help of a robot, the bomb squad quickly discovered the object was not an explosive.

Pirates with pizzaz

More than 20 million people, based on the number of people who loved those Johnny Depp movies, tuned in yesterday to see the shocking but heartwarming conclusion to the television miniseries "Captain Phillips and the Wiley Pirates of Somalia." With the monotony of seeing "The 10 Commandents" every Saturday night before Easter, this show offered a new, exciting drama for our growing, non-secular society. Would Capt. Phillips try to jump out of the boat again, would his woe-begotten crew continue their voyage to Africa and what would the Obama family name their dog? Everybody got their answers in a stunning turn of developments delivered across all cable news outlets. Bo, the President's new Portugese water dog, was air-dropped on to the listless life boat where he fought off the pirates in a riveting scene of hand-to-hand combat rivaled only by Jackie Chan in his prime. When they do this again year, I would only offer a few suggestions. More pirate-speak. How awesome would it have been to hear one of the pirates say "Shiver me timbers, we will not let yer capt'n go" or "Walk thee plank, Phillips, yur landlubber." I'd like to see Bubba from Forrest Gump (Mykelti Williamson) cast in the role of the lead pirate and, if his hand has recovered, Morgan Freeman, as the griseled old pirate tasked with trying to provide a peaceful resolution. Well done, good show, can't wait till next Easter.

A bad case of the runs

I get a kick-out of television news station and their promotional commercials where they attempt to convey to you how hard they are working to bring you the news. They do this with a montage of videos of anchors and television reporters walking around the newsroom (sorry, information center) really fast – speed-walking fast. (That's the 7News reporting team in the picture). And while they are walking, they are also talking (impressive in itself). As they are hustling around the office, they say things to you like "We're committed to bringing you the news" or "Where's the shitter? I had bad seafood salad." That would constitute a bad case of the runs. Sometimes in their haste to walk around fast and tell you how why they are walking fast, they very narrowly miss running into one another. At which point, another reporter rushing to cover the first two reporters colliding would trip over them and knock over a morning show anchor filling up a hot cup of coffee. No worries, the anchor would just smile and say, "Ow, that burns. Feels like a Monday. (Cue canned applause) Often, they stop walking and talking to sit at a desk and talk really fast on the cell phone about a story they are working. "That's right, Johnson, I need the footage of the penguin with a slightly discolored left fin for the 10 p.m. open tonight, dammit!" This is all supposed to inspire me that my television news team is working hard for me. I would prefer to see them interviewing somebody or calmly sitting at a desk, collecting facts.
All this running does is make me dizzy. It's a wonder they can chain these people down to conduct a newscast. But, in my efforts to keep up with the latest trends, I'm now going to require my reporters to write their stories as they pace back and forth across our information center. It only makes sense.

Out of my way blizzard - time for the Storm Force

I catch myself wondering how much different last Thursday's spring storm would have been if we had The Storm Force. You ask, "What's The Storm Force?" Good question. If you're a media purveyor like myself, you know that Fox 31 and KWGN Channel 2 have combined operations. What does it mean? It means stuff like Channel 2 News is on at 7 p.m. now for people who can't wait till 9 to hear our economy sucks and it means they have really hip commercials that encourage you "It's time to lose wait." If it was a commercial for speedy oil changes and not diet supplements, it would be perfect. It also means they are calling themselves "The Deuce" but only because The Doz would have – wait for it– alienated non-illegal immigrant viewers. But, more than anything, it means The Storm Force.
The Storm Force is a group of mutated meteorologists created by the maniacal Dr. Xavier to help stop El Nino but, now that their work is done, they are teaming up to fight weather in Colorado. Angie "Don't Call Me Steve" Austin has laser vision able to deflect an incoming storm front. Dave "Down Goes" Frazer can move faster than a F4 Tornado and hangs out in mobile home parks way more often too. Jason "My last name doesn't avail itself to a nickname" Boyer can morph into a giant wall that saves helpless skiers from a coming avalanche. Together, they are The Storm Force – our last home against their archenemy – the evil Mother Nature. They will save you and let you know to grab a jacket Thursday – highs in the mid 50s and lows in the 30s.