I'll support this law

I'm not sure on the whole hands-free cell phone legislation making its way through the state legislature – seems like another way for the man to keep me down. But I will support a similar law. Yesterday, I was following a piece of construction equipment down Riverdale Road. Everytime I attempted to get around him, he would drift to the center line. At first, I thought he was just being annoying. Turns out he was on his cell phone. Construction equipment drivers on cell phones is a disaster waiting to happen. Please ban that! Any legislator want to take up my cause?

It's a major award!

Would you look at that? It's a lamp!

HILLSBORO, Ore.— A scary situation turned into a strange one when a bomb squad determined that a suspicious package left outside the Washington County Sheriff's Office contained a prosthetic leg. Sheriff's Sgt. Vance Stimler said deputies called the Portland bomb squad out to Hillsboro Sunday afternoon after noticing a canvas bag with a cylinder-shaped object sticking out.
With the help of a robot, the bomb squad quickly discovered the object was not an explosive.

Pirates with pizzaz

More than 20 million people, based on the number of people who loved those Johnny Depp movies, tuned in yesterday to see the shocking but heartwarming conclusion to the television miniseries "Captain Phillips and the Wiley Pirates of Somalia." With the monotony of seeing "The 10 Commandents" every Saturday night before Easter, this show offered a new, exciting drama for our growing, non-secular society. Would Capt. Phillips try to jump out of the boat again, would his woe-begotten crew continue their voyage to Africa and what would the Obama family name their dog? Everybody got their answers in a stunning turn of developments delivered across all cable news outlets. Bo, the President's new Portugese water dog, was air-dropped on to the listless life boat where he fought off the pirates in a riveting scene of hand-to-hand combat rivaled only by Jackie Chan in his prime. When they do this again year, I would only offer a few suggestions. More pirate-speak. How awesome would it have been to hear one of the pirates say "Shiver me timbers, we will not let yer capt'n go" or "Walk thee plank, Phillips, yur landlubber." I'd like to see Bubba from Forrest Gump (Mykelti Williamson) cast in the role of the lead pirate and, if his hand has recovered, Morgan Freeman, as the griseled old pirate tasked with trying to provide a peaceful resolution. Well done, good show, can't wait till next Easter.

A bad case of the runs

I get a kick-out of television news station and their promotional commercials where they attempt to convey to you how hard they are working to bring you the news. They do this with a montage of videos of anchors and television reporters walking around the newsroom (sorry, information center) really fast – speed-walking fast. (That's the 7News reporting team in the picture). And while they are walking, they are also talking (impressive in itself). As they are hustling around the office, they say things to you like "We're committed to bringing you the news" or "Where's the shitter? I had bad seafood salad." That would constitute a bad case of the runs. Sometimes in their haste to walk around fast and tell you how why they are walking fast, they very narrowly miss running into one another. At which point, another reporter rushing to cover the first two reporters colliding would trip over them and knock over a morning show anchor filling up a hot cup of coffee. No worries, the anchor would just smile and say, "Ow, that burns. Feels like a Monday. (Cue canned applause) Often, they stop walking and talking to sit at a desk and talk really fast on the cell phone about a story they are working. "That's right, Johnson, I need the footage of the penguin with a slightly discolored left fin for the 10 p.m. open tonight, dammit!" This is all supposed to inspire me that my television news team is working hard for me. I would prefer to see them interviewing somebody or calmly sitting at a desk, collecting facts.
All this running does is make me dizzy. It's a wonder they can chain these people down to conduct a newscast. But, in my efforts to keep up with the latest trends, I'm now going to require my reporters to write their stories as they pace back and forth across our information center. It only makes sense.

Out of my way blizzard - time for the Storm Force

I catch myself wondering how much different last Thursday's spring storm would have been if we had The Storm Force. You ask, "What's The Storm Force?" Good question. If you're a media purveyor like myself, you know that Fox 31 and KWGN Channel 2 have combined operations. What does it mean? It means stuff like Channel 2 News is on at 7 p.m. now for people who can't wait till 9 to hear our economy sucks and it means they have really hip commercials that encourage you "It's time to lose wait." If it was a commercial for speedy oil changes and not diet supplements, it would be perfect. It also means they are calling themselves "The Deuce" but only because The Doz would have – wait for it– alienated non-illegal immigrant viewers. But, more than anything, it means The Storm Force.
The Storm Force is a group of mutated meteorologists created by the maniacal Dr. Xavier to help stop El Nino but, now that their work is done, they are teaming up to fight weather in Colorado. Angie "Don't Call Me Steve" Austin has laser vision able to deflect an incoming storm front. Dave "Down Goes" Frazer can move faster than a F4 Tornado and hangs out in mobile home parks way more often too. Jason "My last name doesn't avail itself to a nickname" Boyer can morph into a giant wall that saves helpless skiers from a coming avalanche. Together, they are The Storm Force – our last home against their archenemy – the evil Mother Nature. They will save you and let you know to grab a jacket Thursday – highs in the mid 50s and lows in the 30s.