KAHULUI, MAUI – This is what happens after a week in Hawaii. I want to come back.

My drink diet of the week

KIHEI, MAUI – Hmmmm. Booze.

My diet this week

KIHEI, MAUI – Hmmmm. Nuts.

Shuffle off to Buffalo – not quite

So, here we go, my last blog post before I head off for a week-long vacation in Maui. Stop booing – I don't make the rules, I only enforce them. I like to think of Maui as the Brighton of the Pacific. This is my second trip to Hawaii – I honestly didn't think I'd be headed back for a second time already. The first time was amazing enough. And, as some of you astutely pointed out – the first trip did result in the birth of our daughter. This time, I think we'll get a puppy! Yes, that is Kate Hudson above in Maui – however my wife already made it clear I'm not supposed to talk to her. Aloha – I'll see you in a couple weeks. Enjoy the tiny bubbles.

Friends don't let friends drive ... blind

This story from Columbiana County, Ohio, where police said a local man, diagnosed as legally blind, died after crashing his all-terrain vehicle.
Chief Deputy Allen Haueter said Hoyle was with two friends behind a home on Steubenville Pike when he asked one of his friends if he could ride his ATV.
But Haueter said Hoyle didn’t have a license to drive, and that he was considered legally blind.
Haueter told NEWS9 the men helped Hoyle onto the ATV anyways and warned him to go slow, but Hoyle didn't listen.
“When the men put Mr. Hoyle on there, he took off, full acceleration,” said Haueter. “And they were screaming at him to hold back and stop, and they couldn't catch up to him. Then he struck a smaller tree and he hit a larger one head-on.
His friends, in addition to being stupid, we're also drunk. I love that they encouraged him to go slow. If this story doesn't convince you its time to take ATVs out of the hands of the blind, I don't know what will.

Lack of prayers hamper player's recovery

FINDLEY FALLS, IDAHO – The hopes of this local town's beloved high school football team's championship hopes rested on the feet of prized running back Justin Gelki.
Now that a nagging case of turf toe has sidelined the one-time, touted college prospect, fans are blaming a lack of prayers for his slow recovery and the team's continued struggles.
"People ain't praying enough," said ardent fan and local barbershop owner Lloyd Wessersmith. "If people would have really put some faith time into this, Justin would have been back for the rivalry game against Windam Lake."
Instead Findley Falls, without the fleet legs of Gelki, lost that game to the Bucktooths 69-2 and dropped to a dismal 0-3 on the season.
Rev. Bradley Booth, minister of Findley Falls First Methodist Church, said prayers have clearly been divided in the community since Hailey Jo Perkins, 7, was diagnosed with leukemia and Merlon Jenkins fell off his roof chasing a stray cat.
"Clearly, people are trying to incorporate all these items into their prayers and it's confusing God," Booth said. "Obviously, he doesn't know what we want."
That presumed confusion brought a resolution from the town board of elders last week banning all prayer requests except those relevant to the football team. Petitions for the cheerleading squad to master the grand pyramid are still allowed.
The family of sick, little Hailey Jo said they would temporarily support the ban.
"Hailey Jo's gonna be sick for a long time," said father Clyde Perkins. "If Justin doesn't return soon, this team will be finished by the first week in October. We can't be selfish. Hailey Jo loves that team."
God has had a history of solid results when the prayer message from the town is unclouded. They are repeating division champs and captured a state championship three years ago. In fact, the team hasn't missed the playoffs since 1996 – which many fans blamed on a tragic student bus crash days before the team was set to play in a crucial late-season game.

Tongue depressed

Greetings, my dedicated tiki torches. A brief hiatus last week when my non-West Nile Virus turned into a strep throat which I was under the impression I was immune from being not seven anymore. A couple days of quarantine and I'm as good as new and ready to share the sad tale of one lonely black man wrongly pursued by the police for a crime he didn't commit. That's right, I'm talking about former police squad detective Nordberg who obviously gets no credit from his amazing recovery after being shot repeatedly by a group of Ricardo Montalblan's goons. Nordberg's life has hit a downward spiral since he left Police Squad but here's one fan hoping he can turn it around and stick it to the man.
In honor of my forthcoming trip to Hawaii, you're all getting in on the action. Pick what popular Hawaiian song you want to hear while your stuck in the office and I'm basking on the beach – working on my six-pack ... of beer. Voting ends early this week – Thursday afternoon – so vote soon.
Am I ever excited about the Broncos and the phoniest 2-0 record in the history of the NFL? It's a shame I'll be at a luau in two weeks when the Indianapolis Colts show them how you actually win a football game – something to do with not cheating the other team on a imaginary timeout. Hey cheaters do win, I'll let New England know and then I'll tell Bill Bellichick to stop filming me nude in the shower.
Good to be back.

Nothing's wrong with me, I'm just a hypochondriac

I'm on the mend from a nasty illness that, presumably came from sleeping with the window open on a chilly Sunday night. Fever, aches, pains, headache and grand finale of vomit – it wasn't a particular fun past few days. I'm not someone who relishes being sick – I can't remember the last time I took a genuine sick day. I have about 180 hours of sick time. Plus, my wife will attest I'm the worst sick person in the world – whining, groaning and all that stuff. Factor in my propensity for hypochondria and I'm a real joy. Imagine my wife's excitement yesterday to hear my self-diagnosis of West Nile Virus. I chalk up my hypochondria to my family (I've got an aunt with a bad case of it). I also blame watching ER too much when I was younger – watching people come in with a stubbed toe or nosebleed and leaving in a hearse because of foot cancer or a brain implosion. When I spiked a high fever last summer in Arkansas and had to be admitted to a hospital, I was reasonably convinced I had lung cancer or some other terrible, deadly illness. But, it appears again this time, I've escaped a devastating diagnosis. Wait, I just coughed, what does that mean?

Remembrance

9-11-01

Let her pick the next president

My brainiac of the week award goes to the woman I just heard talking to a Just Brakes employee in a radio commercial while I was driving to work. Her opener to the conversation: "Hello, I think I need brakes for my car." You think? I know brevity is the soul of wit and you get charged by the second in radio, but you want to go ahead and add new in there or maybe even old .... something. Otherwise, I'm going to need to be in contact with this woman when I'm driving so I know when she's coming up on a stop sign or light. And lady, while you're at, ask them if you can get a windshield, some tires and maybe even an engine!

This is a bad idea

Apparently the staff of the University of Northern Colorado football team hasn't learned their lesson about the dangers of competition. Just a month or so removed from the assault conviction of a former punter who stabbed another punter in the leg - one of the most spirited battles ever at that position – the coach has decided to bench starting quarterback Dominic Breazeale for backup quarterback Mike Vlahogeorge. Nevermind, that their names look like an eye chart but this just doesn't sound good. I think UNC, at least based on recent history, should be more accommodating like little league teams. I'm sure the NCAA won't have any problems if you bend the rules and, honestly after the Hawaii debacle, I don't think it matters – if you have three quarterbacks send them all out there, give all 10 wide receivers a shot at the same time and, for all means, let both punters kick simultaneously. I don't want things to get ugly.

So that makes it okay

So Whoopi Goldberg – great in the movie Ghost which I have never seen and certainly didn't cry at – is a new co-host of The View and she christened her debut yesterday by defending Michael "Bad Doggie" Vick and his recent dogfighting confession. Argggh, I didn't think I could actually miss sweet, loud-mouthed Rosie. Goldberg's argument was based on the fact that dogfighting is a cultural thing.
"It's like cockfighting in Puerto Rico," she said. "There are certain things that are indicative to certain parts of the country."
While this may be true, it's also my understanding that slavery and racism were also, at one point, indicative of the South, does that make them all right?
I get so sick of people trying to justify things – this Nature versus Nurture load of bologna.
You know, when someone gets mugged in New York, I never hear, "That's OK, it's a cultural thing." I also have never heard a murder referred to as a cultural issue."
Dogfighting, killing dogs, animal cruelty, that's all wrong, right? North, south east or west!

The deals are great, but the service sucks

While this does say something sad that people are at the Dollar Store on Labor Day, it's also hilarious. Enjoy!
NORTHGLENN – Police say some shoppers at the Dollar Tree called police Monday evening after discovering there were not any employees in the store.
A sign on the window at the Dollar Tree at West 106th Avenue and North Huron Street said the store was closed for the Labor Day holiday. Northglenn Police say a lock malfunctioned and shoppers who apparently did not see or ignored the sign were able to get in.
"(They) were browsing around, doing their shopping and no one was there to ring 'em up so one concerned lady decided that it didn't look right and called the police and we were able to get ahold of a manager," said Ian Lopez with Northglenn Police.
Shoppers told police approximately 15 people were in the store at the time.
"The lights were on inside, music playing in the background so it looks as if it's business as usual, there's just no employees around," Lopez said.
One newstipper told 9NEWS the cash registers were open and empty but police say it does not appear that anything was stolen.
"Luckily for us, it doesn't look like anything was stolen and it shows that people can be honest and good," Lopez said.
Police were able to get in touch with a manager who came and fixed the lock and closed the store.