Call it wag the dog, call it political posturing.
But we need a war we can win.
The Olympics are ending and that swell of nationalistic pride will soon get sucked down the drain like Michael Phelps’ competitors.
The war in Iraq? Ongoing.
The war on drugs? Too prolific, too costly.
Flicking the ears of smaller countries like Saskatchewan? Tastes great, less filling.
So I give you the war on library fines. You think I’m kidding?
Last week, a woman in Grafton, Wis., was arrested for not paying her library fines. The library was tired of waiting for the cash for “White Oleander” and “Angels and Demons.”
Apparently, she also had a copy of “Ignoring Librarians for Dummies” because library officials said she didn’t answer calls, letters and notices to appear in court.
Have you ever tried to understand anything a librarian says over the phone? Speak up already.
So officers came to the woman’s door, cuffed her and took her to the police station for processing.
Wait, wait, we aren’t going to win the war on library fines with those kind of tepid details.
Let’s try this.
“Shortly before the morning’s dawn broke on the land of cheese, a team of armed commandoes repelled from hovering helicopters to the home of 20-year-old Heidi Dalibor’s. Neighbors recounted the sound of shattering glass as the mercenaries crashed through the windows.
Disoriented by smoke grenades, they found her cowering in a back a room, clutching her copy of ‘What Looks Like Crazy on an Ordinary Day’ – an official Oprah Book Club selection.
Dalibor was taken to an undisclosed location where interrogation continued of where she got the books from and namely the surprise ending to Robert Ludlum’s “The Bourne Sanction.”
Yeah, you see, the stories practically write themselves.
Forget that Dalibor coughed up the $30 in overdue library book fines while her mother picked up the $172 bailout fee.
Think of the publicity, think of the photos.
The president parachuting through the opened skylight of a library behind a red, white and blue banner proclaiming, “Books returned.”
I’m crying here, people. This is beautiful.
If we’re not going to get the terrorists or the drug lords, it’s time to go one rung lower on the criminal ladder.
Hand over the Harry Potter book, Timmy.
That was due two weeks ago.
