Anchors away on heat

It doesn't take much to recognize who the recent heat wave is taking its biggest toll on – television news anchors. Simply flip on any nightly newscast and hear them lament to the weather forecaster how hot it is. A sampling:

Marty, it's hot out there.

Susan, when is this heat going to end?"

Kathy's here with the weather and the flaming pitchfork she picked up when she got the 10-day weather forecast from Hell!

Banter, schmanter. TV anchors are now apparently so detached from reality that they actually believe the weather people are in control of the weather. In actuality, TV anchors have no reason to complain about the heat (trapped inside their air-conditioned studios) than they do to coo and coddle when one of their poor reporters is standing at I-25 and Surrey Ridge reporting about a blizzard.

Anchor: Tasha, it looks miserable out there.

Reporter: No s$%!*, Sharon. Thanks for sending me out here to do this stand up in a frakkin blizzard. Can I pick you up a coffee when I get back to the office in two days?

Kicking the cars out of the garage

Ready to park that car in the garage, kids?
Well, watch out for the mattresses, two dozen cardboard boxes and that exercise machine you never used anyway.
That’s right, using garages for cars is so 1989.
Two things amaze me as I drive through my neighborhood. One is everybody’s lingering commitment to garden gnomes despite their ill tempers and propensity for heavy drinking and two is that nobody uses their garages anymore.
I see garage after garage filled to the brim with junk – beds, boxes, orphaned children – you name it and it’s in the garage.
Call me a traditionalist. Maybe I’m just an old-timer who likes his wife in the kitchen with a blender and the toilet bowl filled with water. But when did our garages become our basement annexes?
It had to be sometime after we all sealed our basement doors shut as the useless crap we possess slowly crept its way up the stairs. And we’re all pretty lazy anyway so not having to go downstairs eliminates some pointless exercise.
Left with no other option, we looked for the only remaining open spot – the garage.
This was done, albeit, after heavy consideration for the backyard. But, because we already have the camper and several junk cars parked back there (take that HOA), the garage was the only reasonable choice left.
The problem is we have too much stuff. And no matter how much a local flea market tries to fleece you to get “under-stuffed,” we will still have too many things.
It’s pretty amazing that for constantly being labeled a wasteful society that likes our landfills tall and chubby, we can’t throw anything away.
People would rather not throw anything way and hang on to that mid-1970s orange loveseat than use their garage for its original purpose. I went to school in a frozen tundra where you could spend hours chipping ice from your windshield. Given that experience, there’s really only one place for my car.
It could be time for our government to step in. I know nobody likes “big brother.” But maybe each citizen needs to be assigned a junk quota. Go over that quota and it’s off with your hand or off with the collection of road cones you stole from construction sites.
The logical next step with all of these items in your garage would be to have a garage sale. The problem is you can’t really have a garage sale because no can really get to your garage over the piles of baby toys and Godfather’s Pizza mugs.
So then it becomes a yard sale.
But good luck getting rid of anything with those nasty gnomes drinking and cursing in the flower bed.

Adios, Bennigans

Yes, I know the title is a contradiction of cultures but I'm really not familiar with any Irish terms for goodbye except "Arrrgghhh, matey, hand over the pint or I'll make yer walk the plank." And, yes, I do labor under the delusion that Irish people are, in fact, pirates. Sad news today that Bennigans has shuttered all of its Colorado restaurants. I went on more than a few dates to local Bennigans, mainly because my wife has red hair and I thought it would impress her. And, in honesty, it was no more Irish than Outback Steak House is Australian. Bankruptcy is the culprit, not a bunch of hooligans angry about the restaurant serving non-alcoholic O'Douls as I thought it would be. Always a shame to see a good restaurant go away but I knew when they started charging a $15 surcharge for carry-on beer bellies that the end was near. Auf wiedersehen, my Irish chum.

P.S. Even though it's not worth a separate blog post, it is worth noting that we are on pace to tie the record of monthly blog posts set last month with 24. To reach the feat, I will only need to blog twice in the next two days. If, for some strange reason, I have the urge to blog more than twice in the waning moments of July, I will shatter that record. It all means absolutely nothing but I'm really excited about it. If we can make it, I will be tempted to sing "You'll never walk alone" in the King Soopers parking lot. We have already surpassed August 2007 as the second largest blogging post month in No Means Know history.

More animal on zookeeper crime

I won't post it here because the images are far too disturbing but there is a video of another ugly animal abuse case circulating on the Internet. This time it's a kangaroo attacking a zookeeper at the Atlanta Zoo. Aren't kangaroos supposed to be cute and cuddly? Why every time I turn on the news do I see, "Hippo slays four" or "Monkey suspected in brazen bank robbery." Stop the madness.

That's why that no work

A federal grand jury has indicted a Monument man on charges he tried to bribe an IRS agent.
Edward Sobczewski, 47, is accused of asking the agent to change his 2006 personal tax audit in exchange for Colorado Rockies season tickets.
If convicted, Sobczewski faces up to 15 years in prison, and up to a $250,000 fine for each of four counts.
Said U.S. Attorney Troy Eid: "The message is simple: Don't even think about bribing an IRS agent with Rockies' tickets or anything else."

And especially not the way this season is going. He's lucky they don't nail him for felony menacing.

Boondoggle

Don't let my headline influence you but please answer this question: Would you be in favor of voters getting the chance to possibly kill the money-gulping RTD FasTracks plan?

???

I know, you're getting so disgusted with me ... it's like I don't care anymore. Go to MetroWest to read what I've been working on today and you'll see why I've got nothing left for ya. I do have this week's column though.
Writing a column is not easy. Writing a column about writing a column, however, is easy. And given the absence of an actual idea for a column, it can be a lifesaver.
Welcome to No. 30 of a planned 52 weekly columns that I set out to conquer this year.
But even in lieu of an idea, I won’t make this a waste of your time. So let’s, instead, answer some popular questions I get about my columns.

• How do you come up with the ideas for your columns?
I draw a lot of different inspirations for my columns, like a few weeks ago when I was sitting in a bowling alley and thought, “Oooh, I should write about bowling.” Yes, kids, sometimes it’s that easy. Other times, I’ll visit a news website and stare blankly at the screen, with my pen propped pensively in the corner of my mouth and mutter, “Hmmm. OK, oh, hmm.” I’ve found this to help little but it does draw co-workers to my computer where I can show them a YouTube clip of a waterskiing squirrel.

• Why were you so mean to the Duggar family?
OK. I get this one a lot. The intention wasn’t to be mean to the Duggar family. It was to draw attention to the sad plight of many infertile women. Did it turn into a soapbox rant where I chastised them as rapidly breeding militia members intent on ravaging our local malls? Yes, it did and you let me hear about it.

• Is it fun for you to tear other people down?
I’m sorry.

• What gives you the right to speak on behalf of infertile women?
Enough already, I said I was sorry.

• What does your wife think of your columns, especially the ones that mention her?
My wife is incredibly supportive of my writing. She sees my column as a wonderful way for me to express feelings so that she doesn’t have to hear me yammer later. As for occasionally poking fun of her, well she doesn’t mind at all. We also don’t get a subscription of the paper at home.

• Do you really think you’re funny? Because I don’t.
That’s not really a question but I am going to stop typing and cry now.

• How long does it take you to write a column?
The time varies. A good idea takes about 15 minutes. A bad idea can take days.
So it usually takes about a week.

• When do you write your columns?
Unlike one angry reader who accused me of writing my columns in the morning (journalists rarely yawn before 11:30 a.m.) I don’t have a set time for writing columns. Kinder, gentler columns are usually created in the morning. More antagonistic, satirical pieces are written after Mountain Dew and burgers.

• Are you ever going to put your columns together in a book?
Do you need something to read on the toilet?

• Is there anything you won’t write about?
Politics, religion and goats are usually off limits. I recently added large families.

• Can I write a column too?
Has anything here convinced you that you can’t?

Kevin Denke’s column Spare Change appears weekly in the Brighton Blade.
Contact him at kdenke@metrowestnewspapers.com or 303-659-2522, ext. 225. Want to share your two cents? Visit nomeansknow.blogspot.com.

Here I am

Still reeling from my unexpected Monday bloglessness? Not to fear? Here I am ... I'll wait till the applause dies down ... that's better. I'll wish you a belated Happy Monday. What do we have to look forward to this week. I'm not always particularly enamored with my columns but I'll say tomorrow's is pretty good, so look for that. Otherwise, we'll keep on keeping on. When's the weather going to get warm?

Surprise, surprise

I was surprised that my July 9 story on Platte Valley Medical Center eying expansion didn't illicit some letters or at least a few e-mails. First off, I have no doubt that PVMC, a year at their new location, is in need of more space – eventually adding on was always the plan and they're just moving it up. The numbers speak for themselves – massive patient increases. But the numbers have always spoke for themselves when it comes to School District 27J too and they have fought battles for additional public funding to build schools -even denied here and there. Am I comparing apples and oranges here? Does it make a difference that PVMC presents capital campaigns that ask for public support while the school district goes to the public and asks for tax increases?

Video games are here to stay

I’m somewhere at the level below a video-game addict.
Yes, I waited outside a shopping mall at midnight a year ago to get a football game, but that was more about my football addiction (separate counselor, separate bill) than it was about being hooked on video games.
Still, there was a time growing up when I assumed I would have to eventually stop playing video games. Because there are certain things you just don’t do when you become a grown-up. You stop cutting the corners off your bread, you stop kissing girls on the playground (my wife specifically included that in our vows) and you certainly don’t lounge around trying to help Mario find the secret tunnel unless Mario is your neighbor and he owes the Mob a lot of money.
And so, I was prepared for the day when my wife would ask me to pack the video game system away or, gulp, send it the way of so many ugly shirts I once loved.
But something funny happened along the way.
We were at a child’s birthday party a month or so ago. After everyone finished eating and watching the kids open presents, the adults (not the kids) turned on the Nintendo Wii.
And several times, the kids were fought off (with mosquito repellant) so the adults could continue to play.
It got me thinking that this was the time where adults used to pull out the board game like Monopoly or Life. But instead everyone was glued to the TV.
This is the new family pastime.
My suspicions that my video game days had not passed me by but instead transcended to the masses were further peaked when my 56-year-old father-in-law got a PS2 for his recent birthday.
I started charting it.
That means I can at least play video games until I’m 56.
Then my mom tells me that the seniors at the adult recreation center where she works also have a Wii.
70-, 80-year-old gamers?
This means, hypothetically, I could be playing video games until the day I die. My dying breath could be punctuated by a groan that Zelda couldn’t find the magic sword.
Despite my worries that my video game days were numbered, it would make sense that technology we use today will carry with us. It’s absurd to think when somebody hits 60, their microwave and cordless phone are confiscated and replaced with a coal pit and a rotary phone.
Still, it’s interesting to see that technology, even computers, has already jumped a few generations ahead.
Maybe when I get older, I won’t be so enamored with the idea of technology passing through the generations. I might just clamor for a simpler time of outhouses and ice cellars.
But for now?
Hands off the video game system, honey.
It’s here to stay.

And now for something completely different but similar

It's probably worth a trip to www.fortlupton.blogspot.com before you read this or it won't make any sense.
No, I didn't change the focus of the blog, I'm just looking for a little help. As you might have noticed, the picture above is of my next child, currently undergoing restoration in my wife's uterus. She's a Colorado girl of 2008 vintage, deluxe model. Completely rust-free, she's in the process of getting her dents and dings tapped out before I spray her Seafoam Green (bottom) and white (top). I've just laid a coat of primer on her front and passenger side, and will be starting the other side very shortly. Therein lies the problem: I spend hours weekly, stripping, sanding and smoothing her, and I'm growing tired of calling her "The Bus."

She needs a name. That's where you come in.

Suggestions?

No name suggestions, thoughtful or humorous, will be actually considered for the naming of the next Denke child.

Put down the nail gun sir and step away

Courtesy of Denver's 7. Be careful, this guy could still be out there ... with a 2x4. I'm guessing he's at home laughing!

'Armed Man' Prompts Scare At Aurora Home Depot

AURORA – The report sounded ominous when Aurora police responded Tuesday morning after hearing a man with a AK47 and a banana clip was seen in a Home Depot Store.
Police surrounded the store at 3475 N. Salida St., just before 9 a.m.
Employees and customers were brought out of the store as officers with rifles searched the interior for the reported gunman.
K-9 units were also called in the search the store.
Then, an employee came forward and told police that a man matching the description of the gunman had been inside the store earlier.
The employee said the man was carrying a nail gun and was looking for parts. He had left before police arrived.

I ain't Lion

Police are on the prowl for an African Lion on the loose in El Paso County. He apparently escaped from an American Furniture Warehouse ad. There's no reason to believe he is dangerous, though he may be getting a ride from an El Jebel Shriner horse (above).

XOXO

I love you, Knowmers. Happy Sunday.

Friday treat

Small slurpees are free at 7-11 today in honor of their 81st birthday. You're welcome!

What do you want to say

I have nothing to apologize for, I gave you people three blogs yesterday. But, in a shameless display of wordlessness, I open this blog to you today – say anything you wish.
Otherwise, I'll see you back here on Monday – provided something wordly doesn't happen this afternoon.

Gotcha journalism

Triple-blog Wednesday, kids, just because I can't shut up.
The high and mighty Bill O'Reilly will apparently air tonight off-color (no pun intended) remarks that Rev. Jesse Jackson made today about Barack Obama on a hot microphone (he believed the mike was off). Sean Hannity made a grand announcement that they had this video and would replay the remarks tonight.
While the comments are of racial nature, this is not about race. I don't care if the candidate is white, black, red or Ross Perot, this is "gotcha journalism" at its worst.
Confidence in my business is eroding because sensationalistic journalists use any weapon within their reach to humiliate, embarrass or controversialize (Shut up, I'm mad, so it's a word). Any journalist knows there is a time when things are being said and when things are not being said even though they are said. Are you totally confused by that statement? I mean there used to be a time of professional courtesy when yes, you might know somebody was a racist or an idiot but, if it didn't interfere with the public well being or national safety, you'd let it go. Slide it in your back pocket and actually be a fallible human being for once who understands what it means to make a mistake.
Good days those were. When journalists weren't labeled as soulless cretins.
Not tonight though, enjoy your ratings boost, Fox.
And when you're done, hammer another nail in the coffin of responsible journalism.

Hardly victims

If the Ramsey family is truly not culpable in the death of daughter, Jon Benet Ramsey, as today's news reports would indicate, then they indeed our owed an apology and our "guilty until proven innocent" society should be ashamed.
Still, Boulder District Attorney Mary Lacy's assertion that they should now be regarded as victims is, at best, laughable, and, at worst, unstomachable. They are as much victims as O.J. Simpson is a victim. The Ramsey's (God rest, Patsy) behavior, from the onset of this case was never the behavior of victims. They were hollow and when they were emotional, it didn't ring true. When it was the time to legitimately look for the murderer of their daughter, they were insolent, hiding behind lawyers rather than helping cops with an (admittedly) bungled investigation.
Yes, we as a society and a media, deserve our share of blame for convicting this family. But this family is also to blame for putting themselves on the stand, through their actions, and making themselves to be much more than grieving parents.
DNA, be damned, there will be some people who will always believe the Ramsey's were involved in their daughter's death. Unfortunate but true.
The pain of losing a child is unbearable. I know parents who have lost children, I've sat with them, I've seen their pain, dreams of high school and college graduations, weddings and grandchildren dashed.
I know victims.
You, Ramsey family, are no victims.

More than fireworks

I always get a little emotional watching fireworks.
There’s something special about watching that collage of colors explode in the sky against a backdrop of patriotic music. I, inevitably, think about the sacrifices made so I can have such a seemingly inconsequential right on the fourth day of every July.
I guess I could also mention our fireworks fun was preceded by a brief trip to the Traveling Vietnam Wall exhibit. It’s hard to believe just a collection of names can mean so much.
My older brother also leaves for Iraq this month. Fittingly, we got the chance to bid him farewell on the Fourth of July. I’m guessing the thought of going to war has become old hat for my brother – this will be his third major conflict.
At the same time, I will say his latest departure comes with more apprehension on my part. The work being done in Iraq is necessary but messy and dangerous. It seems a far cry from the precision-guided conflicts of the past where causalities were low and the conflict was short - far too short for spirited discussion about the intent of the mission.
But even to say that is a misnomer. War is always dangerous, the risks are always real and lives will inevitably be lost.
I laugh at the axiom of an “unpopular war.” I don’t think the idea of sending our beloved men and women into a war zone should ever be popular. I know it isn’t for the family members and friends they leave behind.
I will say that I find it ironic that the most criticism for a war comes from those with no personal stake in the conflict. While those that must serve and the ones they leave behind seem so resolute in the task at hand.
My argument is cliché to the point of perhaps annoyance. It is a hope that the arguments about why we are in Iraq are second to supporting those who are actually in
Iraq. I don’t buy into the Toby Keithian-argument that questioning a war makes you less patriotic. I think those kind of debates are the basis of a democracy.
But to borrow another overused and some would contend nonsensical cliché, “It is what it is.”
We are there, we will be there for sometime (regardless of who our next president is) and a lot of brave men and women will continue to defend our right to complain about rising gas prices, higher food costs and traffic after the fireworks show (that’s a personal one).
So did I get some chills as Lee Greenwood belted out “Proud to be an American” this year?
You bet. I wish we all did.
God bless my brother and everybody else who serves with him.

Zippo

Here you've been waiting all day for me and what do I have for ya – nada, nothing, zilch. It's a boring Tuesday afternoon in my head and I put off my daily chat as long as I could, thinking something might come to me. My only question today. Why are there going to be so many protesting at the DNC, I was under the impression Democrats were the answers to all the world's problems? Was I wrong?

Last promise wins

I now believe the presidential campaign is literally going to go down to the wire. Everyday a candidate promises something new. Sunday, Obama promises a quick exit from Iraq (hypothetical, I don't know what he promised Sunday) and today, McCain promises a doubling of the child tax credit. I'm reserving my vote to the very last day – best (and last) promise wins!

What then fair awning

I cringed when I saw the Black Forest Bakery is bolting downtown Brighton for the Pavilions. Good for them, if that's a better location. And good for the Pavilions, if the bakery got there before the Navy recruiter showed up. Bad for me, because it's a longer jaunt for my Italian cream soda and scone. But the more nice looking awnings they put up in downtown (and they really genuinely look good) the more businesses seem to be booking it out of town either by their own volition or by force (Read: Salvation Army). What good are all these facade improvements with no businesses behind them? Please discuss.

That's my stance, are you in delusional hands?

It's already a double-blog Wednesday, kids, if only to lament my annoyance with self-important celebrities. Sorry, Mr. Haysbert (see story below), Gary Coleman has already claimed credit for paving Obama's way to the Democratic nomination. Are you kidding me? This would be like Lee Marvin claiming his role as Major Reisman in the Dirty Dozen was inspirational for John McCain. Of course, everybody would overlook that assertion and focus on the fact that Lee Marvin is speaking from the great beyond. I caution you against that since Marvin's gravelly voice, as in life, still speaks to us in death in only a way that Lorne Green's Alpo commercials can.

RENO, Nevada (AP) – Dennis Haysbert likes to believe his portrayal as the first African-American U.S. president on Fox's "24" may have helped pave the way for Barack Obama.
Dennis Haysbert, who appeared on Fox's "24," says some fans come up to him and ask him to run for office.
"If anything, my portrayal of David Palmer, I think, may have helped open the eyes of the American people," said the actor, who has contributed $2,300 to the Illinois Democrat's presidential campaign.
"And I mean the American people from across the board -- from the poorest to the richest, every color and creed, every religious base -- to prove the possibility there could be an African-American president, a female president, any type of president that puts the people first," he said Tuesday.
Yes, know-it-all's- I'm well aware the picture is of Lee Greenwood, not Lee Marvin. Unable to find a picture of Marvin, I was forced to punt. Let us remember Lee Greenwood is a great American. Prior to writing the song that most Americans know him for (The Star Spangled Banner), he was an all-pro defensive end for the Pittsburgh Steelers' famed "Steel Curtain" defense.

"Clearly I've never been there, but this feels like we're in the center of hell."

A thousand apologies (Mom) for not blogging yesterday. Sometimes, the mood simply doesn't strike me. I'm not a dancing puppet here, people, I have feelings. I did have a funny thought last night as mortar fire sounded around our home about 9 p.m. Why, every year around this time, do I feel like Bernard Shaw in the Baghdad hotel during the first Gulf War? It even awoke my daughter who contended "the fumies are yucky." Eloquent, simple, death to all fumies. Police and fire departments stress each year that any fireworks that leave the ground are illegal yet my neighborhood is like the Chinese New Year. And any assertions by police that they are going to crack down is purely an idle threat. Not because they don't want to but because our prisons are too crowded with murderers and e-mail spammers to throw in hardened bottle rocket criminals.
So I must heed the words of George Bernard Shaw (the former CNN correspondent's father)"You'll never have a quiet world till you knock the patriotism out of the human race."