Writing a column is not easy. Writing a column about writing a column, however, is easy. And given the absence of an actual idea for a column, it can be a lifesaver.
Welcome to No. 30 of a planned 52 weekly columns that I set out to conquer this year.
But even in lieu of an idea, I won’t make this a waste of your time. So let’s, instead, answer some popular questions I get about my columns.
• How do you come up with the ideas for your columns?
I draw a lot of different inspirations for my columns, like a few weeks ago when I was sitting in a bowling alley and thought, “Oooh, I should write about bowling.” Yes, kids, sometimes it’s that easy. Other times, I’ll visit a news website and stare blankly at the screen, with my pen propped pensively in the corner of my mouth and mutter, “Hmmm. OK, oh, hmm.” I’ve found this to help little but it does draw co-workers to my computer where I can show them a YouTube clip of a waterskiing squirrel.
• Why were you so mean to the Duggar family?
OK. I get this one a lot. The intention wasn’t to be mean to the Duggar family. It was to draw attention to the sad plight of many infertile women. Did it turn into a soapbox rant where I chastised them as rapidly breeding militia members intent on ravaging our local malls? Yes, it did and you let me hear about it.
• Is it fun for you to tear other people down?
I’m sorry.
• What gives you the right to speak on behalf of infertile women?
Enough already, I said I was sorry.
• What does your wife think of your columns, especially the ones that mention her?
My wife is incredibly supportive of my writing. She sees my column as a wonderful way for me to express feelings so that she doesn’t have to hear me yammer later. As for occasionally poking fun of her, well she doesn’t mind at all. We also don’t get a subscription of the paper at home.
• Do you really think you’re funny? Because I don’t.
That’s not really a question but I am going to stop typing and cry now.
• How long does it take you to write a column?
The time varies. A good idea takes about 15 minutes. A bad idea can take days.
So it usually takes about a week.
• When do you write your columns?
Unlike one angry reader who accused me of writing my columns in the morning (journalists rarely yawn before 11:30 a.m.) I don’t have a set time for writing columns. Kinder, gentler columns are usually created in the morning. More antagonistic, satirical pieces are written after Mountain Dew and burgers.
• Are you ever going to put your columns together in a book?
Do you need something to read on the toilet?
• Is there anything you won’t write about?
Politics, religion and goats are usually off limits. I recently added large families.
• Can I write a column too?
Has anything here convinced you that you can’t?
Kevin Denke’s column Spare Change appears weekly in the Brighton Blade.
Contact him at kdenke@metrowestnewspapers.com or 303-659-2522, ext. 225. Want to share your two cents? Visit nomeansknow.blogspot.com.
