Are you scared to go to the zoo now? Yesterday's San Francisco Zoo tiger rampage on top of the Denver Zoo zoo keeper getting killed earlier this year makes me awful nervous. The animals are pissed about being locked up and they're coming after us. I swear PETA told us this was going to happen. I can't run the risk of my daughter getting slapped by an angry penguin. The answer? Complimentary tranquilizer guns at the gate. Yes, you heard me right, it's time to arm the zoo visitors. If a coked-up elephant is charging for me, I need something other than a souvenir drink cup. Either that or we put all the animals (Yes, I'm talking about you, cute polar bear cub) in Hannibal Lecter-esque contraptions. I think it's also time to get these animals some anger management counseling. Obviously, this animal had some issues. I'm also hearing Tatiana the Tiger left behind some bizarre videos indicating she was motivated by the Columbine killers and that she also was on Ambien.
