• I’m all for Black Friday madness but when did people start bringing guns to toy stores? Taking Tickle Me Elmo at gunpoint doesn’t really capture the spirit of the season for me.
• A San Antonio man who rammed his truck into a woman’s vehicle on a highway last week told police he crashed into her while going more than 100 mph because God told him “she needed to be taken off the road.”
• That’s defensive driving.
• Do you think God could intervene and get me a closer parking spot at the mall?
• Select-a-size underwear wasn’t that big of a hit, either.
• They’re saying “brain-fingerprinting” could replace metal detectors as the security method of choice. Apparently, it looks for behavioral intent.
• Does this mean I have to jump around like a chicken?
• I’ll take off my shoes.
• It could be a real insult if they conduct a brain fingerprint and don’t find anything.
• Select-a-size fruitcake never made it to the shelves.
• There are two Denver radio stations that have been playing Christmas music since June.
• Apparently, the only caveat is they play that horrible song by Paul McCartney at least 12 times a day. Respectively.
• I got so confused watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. It was like a combination of the Tony Awards and the Today Show all wrapped up in one miserable ball.
• Where were the floats?
• And there was more lip-synching than a Britney Spears concert.
• A University of Utah study finds that drivers who talked on cell phones missed their designated stops about half the time and frequently drifted out of their lanes.
• This explains why they’re on the cell phone.
• They’re lost.
• Select-a-size socks weren’t that great.
• My toes always hang out.
• It was so nice of the government to announce we’re in a recession and have been for a year.
• Was it really necessary to share that information now?
• Do you people just like watching the Wall Street numbers plummet?
• An Denver-bound airliner with a shattered windshield landed safely at Kansas City’s airport Monday.
• You can’t escape gravel trucks anywhere.
