Hey, dummy, that's not funny

Oh my. A former Wal-Mart cashier in Almont Township, Mich., claims he was fired for joking on his MySpace page that the average IQ would increase if a bomb were dropped on the company's stores.
"I told them that this was crazy," the employee told The Flint Journal. "It's not like I have a fighter jet in my backyard to drop a bomb with. Then they escorted me out to the parking lot."
You just can't make these kind of jokes anymore. Plus dropping a bomb on Wal-Mart would only serve to further slash the prices. I like his justification too. Sounds like the only thing stopping him was the lack of a fighter jet in his backyard. It's okay, you can borrow mine.
This does bring up an common argument I've heard that people who shop at Wal-Mart are somehow stupid or "white trash." Which confuses me? How are people who shop at the place with bargains stupid but people who shell out $600 bucks for a Gucci person considered "high-class."

WARNING: Controversial thoughts ahead

Morning with a warning. To proceed with reading this post, you must first acknowledge that the United States is dealing with the ramifications of illegal immigration. If not, stop reading, go outside, hug your gardener and pick me up tomorrow when I'm ranting about the weeds in my yard. Ready? OK. Did anyone else catch that the cost for applying for American citizenship and permanent residency is going up. What am I missing here? We've got a large number people illegally crossing a certain Southern border and continuing to live here illegally. And our answer is too jack up the price for people who choose to do the right thing by coming here with the intention of doing things legally and becoming citizens. You know what this sounds like? It sounds like the cop beating you over the head with a nightstick for picking up an old lady's wallet while somebody's robbing the A&P right behind you. Further, wouldn't this discourage immigrants, potentially illegal or not, from working to become citizens. I say, let's starting letting those who want to become citizens in for free, and charge the illegals.

Because life is too short too die

Hey, everybody, have you ever gotten the chance to be lured into one of these prescription drug commercials on TV. I wandered upon a two-minute medicinal tantrum this morning for such a drug. Because of ethical standards, I won't name the drug, we'll use a made-up Larovacacheex. What is it supposed to help? Honestly, I couldn't tell ya. I'm still wrapped up in the possible side effects. Yes, taking Larovacacheex could help you with the painful inflammation and swelling of osteoarthritis (thanks, Google) but be prepared for (in no particular order) collapsing of the lungs, profuse vomiting, profuse bleeding, profuse profuseness, diarhea, explosive diarhea, spontaneous liver explosion, hair loss, weight gain, weight loss, tooth decay, homicidal tendencies, decreased sexual appetitite, sauerkraut cravings, inflammagationousesnesses (you don't wanna know), yodeling, arm amputation, melting of the pupils, brain contusions, dizziness, increased love of "Sound of Music" (Steve, are you on this?), hangnails, heart palpitations, decapitations, propensity for licking the feet of others, anal desegregation, ear lobe deformities and, last but not least, a bad case of the giggles.
Wow, that bum knee is feeling better all ready. Then, they have the nerve to tell, you
"if you think Larovacacheex could be right for you, check with your physician today." If my doctor thinks this wonder drug is right for me, then I'm getting a new doctor.
Then, as if that isn't bad enough, they throw on some supposed uplifting slogan at the end like: Larovacacheex: because it's time to get off the crapper or Larovacacheex: because who needs use of their right leg anyway.
I'm going to have to be in pretty bad shape before I turn myself over to one of these drugs!

Hey, honey, these yours

Double blog Thursday, kids, only to bring you this gem from 9News.com

FORT COLLINS (AP) - Police are inviting women to view photos of about 1,300 pieces of underwear stolen from laundry rooms near Colorado State University, to see if any of it belongs to them.

The women will have their opportunity to see the photos Friday.

Police say 43-year-old Chih Hsien Wu is suspected of taking the bras, panties, stretch pants and pantyhose, valued at more than $6,000, in the past several months.
He faces a charge of theft. His bail was set at $15,000.
Police says it's unclear how many victims there are.
I'll be sure to stop by too. I'm not a perve or anything. I'm just curious to see a woman actually claim responsibility of a pair of stretch pants.

Dora sans Diego

As the father of a 17-month old girl, I'm becoming more and more familiar with the daily children's TV fare – JoJo's Circus, the Wiggles, Judge Judy, The View. The following is a critical review of one such popular show – Dora the Explorer.
How many times can one person's heart break? I found myself wondering that the other day as, once again, I found myself tuning into the gut-wrenching, emotional roller coaster that is Dora and Diego. Allegedly cousins, according to my wife, these two young lovers have seen their share of hard times including their recent breakup and Diego getting his own show where you can find him sauntering through the jungle with some leggy, brunette home wrecker. I assume it's the same woman that kept Dora alone so many nights with no one to keep her company except her friend, Boots and a singing backpack. But occasionally, like last week, Diego pops back into the newly self-dependent Dora's life (usually swinging on a vine like above) and exposes all of her frailties. He reminds her that she can't live without him, that she can't build any serious relationships since their split and then, under a guise of friendship, he goads her into dangerous and often unnecessary tasks like trying to save baby jaguars from the clutches of the man. And Dora, again stripped of her womanality, is eager to oblige. Luckily, they do a song and dance and end the day's show before we have to see Dora forced into the role of a Martha-Stewartish domestic goddess where she cooks Diego a big meal and he eventually passes out on the couch with a beer watching "I Love Lucy" reruns. I hope each day for Dora to get the nerve to throw Diego and all of his belongings to the curb including that fancy fly-fishing vest he wears. And I'll keep watching until she gets the courage to become her own person. And I'll keep wondering, is my daughter getting the same thing from this show?

B.Y.O.B.

If the image of beer slowly leaking from a derailed Coors train in Denver this morning didn't make you well up with tears – where is your soul? I'm planning an impromptu memorial tonight at the scene (38th Street and Globeville). Bring your own plastic cup, I'll round up some pretzels!

Chief

Be sure to read about Brighton's four fire chief candidates in tomorrow's Blade. Looks like they've pulled together a veteran group to compete for the job. Should be interesting to see who they choose.

Too legit to quit

Did I just use an old MC Hammer song title for my blog post title – yucky – I should probably stop now but here I go anyway. Busy week ahead, kids, before I jet (drive) out of here on a much anticipated family trip to South Dakota (ever heard of it). What's on tap – the Brighton Fire Chief candidates are in town so, by all means burn your trash, – let them know we're good for it.
I'll spend more time in court Wednesday and Thursday than Roger Federer at Wimbeldon. The former owners of the American Samurai have a preliminary hearing Wednesday and fatal accident suspect Steven Martinez on Thursday. Talk to you soon.

Try this one

So I'm battling some kind of illness – honestly, it might be a cold but I'm leaning toward the plague so if you see me lying dead under a tree, please call CDE but don't try to handle me on your own. In the midst of my illness last night, my wife called on me to try and rescue my daughter's toothbrush from the sink drain. First off, I'm not trained in swift-water rescue so I was already a little out of my area. Eventually, we settled on a tactic of lifting the toothbrush from the hole with the help of two barbecue grill skewers. It is was almost MacGvyer worthy – how we used our ingenuity to save the toothbrush. Next, I'll be a building a car out of toothpicks, legos and an old lawnmower engine. Alas, the toothbrush, while rescued, could not be saved. We should have sent a canary down their first. It was given proper burial at the trash can by the sea.

Barking up the wrong tree

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the legendary purveyor of detergent prices, Bob Barker, will sign off from the beloved Price is Right tommorrow in an, hour-long, star-studded (doubtful) finale. I couldn't help but ponder how history will judge Mr. Barker. Clearly, his decision to invade Iraq under the assumption that Saddam Hussein had nuclear weapons has already prompted criticism ... oh wait, wrong historical perspective. But, in that case, how would have the war on terror been conducted differently with Bob in charge? Dare we say, Osama bin Laden could have been nabbed as Barker bellowed to the rugged Afghani (not a blanket) mountains with a "Come on down." Might have our military placed a greater emphasis on making sure our terrorists were spayed or neutered? We'll never know. The individuals in the photo above clearly looked thrilled that they guessed the right price on those rocket launchers?

Out of my way

Hey, fellow drivers, apparently Denver has the sixth-most courteous drivers in the U.S. according to a latest poll. Portland, Ore. has the most courteous drivers. You've got to be kidding right? Did the criteria for most courteous including flipping people off, waving your arms in frustration and not letting people merge? If that's case, I saw several acts of courtesy today. If we're courteous then I'd hate to see Miami (the least courteous). Not that I want to inspire a Tom Tancredoish backlash by commenting on our neighbor to the south but do they stab you as they yell at you there?

Get along, little Grandma's

Did the Mother's Day brunch thing yesterday. Delicious. Just a little plug for Simms Landing in Lakewood – Yummo. Every Mother's Day restaurant outing, I'm baffled by the amount of old, feeble, frail, old people being escorted through restaurants by relatives. Yesterday, I swear this old lady yesterday (Not you Grandma) couldn't even see but was being pushed to the buffet line by a family member. "Left here, Grandma, right here, Grandma, step up, Grandma." These old people can't be eating that much. The conclusion? Pile up two plates of food and it's one less trip to the buffet line. "Hey, grandma, can you get me a damn biscuit?"

Cut and run

Hey, kids, I try to give you one odd-ball story a week. Here you go. Comments to follow
CHICAGO (AP) - A racy billboard proclaiming "Life's short. Get a divorce" caused such an uproar that city workers stripped it from its downtown perch after a week.

It wasn't so much about the partially clothed man and woman on the law firm's ad. It was the phrase that lawyers Corri Fetman and Kelly Garland chose that drew scores of complaints from neighbors and from other attorneys who said it reflected poorly on their profession.

A city alderman who lives nearby found a technical reason to jettison the sign.
"I called the building inspector and told him to do his job and he did," said Alderman Burton Natarus. "It has nothing to do with content or anything else. They did not have a permit and they were ordered to take it down."
Fetman and Garland say they're upset the sign was removed.
"They ripped our billboard down without due process," Fetman said. "We own that art. I feel violated."
Despite its brief run, the sign apparently was good for business. Since it went up last week, the two attorneys said calls to their law firm have gone up dramatically.
Bad message, yes. Brilliant advertising, absolutely. I think we punish creativity in our society. The best part – other attorney's saying it reflected badly on their profession! Hey, everybody, when you get a minutes let's call the kettle.

Take your Kevin to work today

Hey, all. Today, I had the rare chance to experience a small part of being firefighter. I rescued a cat from a tree. Just kidding! The Brighton Fire Department was nice enough to let me demo one of their newest training tools. Three Words: Big, Honkin, Trailer. Look for the story next week. Consider this picture a tease.

No gas for you

As you might have heard, a national "Gas Out" is being planned for Tuesday, May 15. No, jokesters, this is not me tanking up on Taco Bell even though I could really go for a Nacho Cheese Chalupa. Folks are being encouraged to not buy gas on May 15 and send a message to those big oil companies. The message: "Thank you for the exorbitant gas prices. In response, we will buy or gas on Monday or Wednesday." Hey, I'm all for making a statement and I'm probably going to avoid the pumps on Tuesday (as I would encourage all cross-dressers to do as well). But, the problem is because of our ignorant dependence on fossil fuels ("moo" said the dinosaur), we still need the gas so, inevitably, we're going to come crawling back. We need a long-term solution! Anyone for water-powered cars – we could fuel up on water from the South Platte. Okay, farmers, just kidding – stop throwing tomatoes.

Standing up

Random thought for a Monday afternoon. What if we all just stopped obeying traffic signals? Yes, okay, mass chaos, death, disaster and so on. But seriously why are we compelled to stop at traffic lights? Feel free to use this blog post as a reference for your next traffic ticket, I'm sure the officer will totally grasp the exstentialism.

If you're angry and you know it

Ahhh, springtime in Brighton. I was just headed back to the office a little while ago when I came to a stop sign. I had slightly stopped, as I'm sometimes prone to do, when I began to proceed through the intersection. I hadn't spotted the pedestrian crossing on the other side of the intersection. Once I spotted him, I stopped again, probably with the nose of my car a little out on my respective side of the intersection. A good 20-30 feet from him. Apparently, not enough. As he crossed the street, he proceeded to ask me (ask being a metaphor for screamed) if I planned to stop. Then, as I drove through the intersection, he yelled at me about pedestrians having the right of way. I think he called me "Jack" too, I appreciated him leaving off the ending since he had a small child with him. Was I in the wrong? Yeah probably, even though I spotted them in plenty of time and no one was ever in even the smallest amount of danger. Except when I thought he was so angry, he might come turn me into a hood ornament. It just reminds me of what short fuses we're on in our society, I'm not always an exception either. But we're all so wound up with everything happening in our daily lives that sometimes we just get mad. So to the pedestrian that I didn't almost hit but apparently thought I might, I apologize, hope I didn't ruin your day.

The long way

I think some of my longest drives here in Brighton, since I took over the courts and crime beat, is the stretch from Bromley Lane, whether it be the court house or the Po-Po, back to my office. Plenty of time for me to scratch my head and wonder about some of the things people do and why? The message board on the Seventh-day Adventist Church today, on the aforementioned drive, said something to the effect of "Watch Your Step: Everybody Else Does." Clearly, some aren't getting the message. Does all this mean there will be some juicy, head-scratching criminal news in next's week Blade? .... You'll have to find out.

Book Nook

As you'll read in tomorrow's Blade, there seems to be some hang-up on the talks to relocate the Brighton library to downtown Brighton. I won't spill all the details here, you've got to read the story, but essentially developers and city leaders really want the library to leave it's Eighth Avenue home and play a big part in the downtown redevelopment. I'm not going to lie to you – I like libraries and I really like the idea of the Brighton library coming downtown. Something about it seems so academic! But, as you'll read, Rangeview Library District has some reservations. While developers and city leaders were hesistant to wade into those waters with me, Rangeview board member Dot Lindsey was a little more open – citing the possibility that to relocate downtown, the library would have to share space to still make the land they would be on profitable. Of course, there are always two sides to every story but, from that perspective, I understand her concern. Why give up your own spot to share a building with somebody else. While city officials were quick to brush this off as a minor issue – Dot said they have essentially closed the book, so to speak, on downtown plans and are moving ahead with renovation plans for the exisiting site. That would be a real shame. I hope if the city is serious about wanting the library downtown, they'll go the extra-mile to make it worth their while. Give the story a read and then come back here, and let me know what you think.