Tigermania

What a week to be home.
I picked last week for my first annual (yes, it can be both first and annual if I promise to do it again next year) post-Thanksgiving vegetation.
This was a special week for me to sit at home in my recliner and really let those Thanksgiving calories simmer. I don’t think I’ll get much argument that actual physical movement is the antithesis of what Thanksgiving is all about – gaining too much weight and falsely promising to do something about it in your New Year’s resolution. Especially, if your New Year’s resolution is, like mine, to gain more weight.
But even I, sprawled out on the floor as I fell trying to reach the television remote control, couldn’t have asked for better entertainment than the enthralling soap opera “All Tiger’s Women.”
Truthfully, never been a big fan of golf. I’ve never seen the athletic value of hitting a ball, getting in a cart and driving to the ball so you could get hit it again. I’ve always thought the redneck sport of destroying mailboxes from a moving car offered much more excitement, not to mention criminal repercussions.
But, as it becomes readily apparent that Tiger had a post-season workout regimen unrivaled since the likes of Wilt Chamberlain, I think I can at least draw a little more appreciation for his sport.
I can appreciate the physical stamina needed to outrun an angry wife wielding a golf club. I actually medaled in the 200-meter toaster throw dash. But in the throws of the end of “Jon and Kate Plus 8,” watching another celebrity marriage simultaneously implode on eight different channels was the perfect antidote.
What still perplexed me as I flipped between the tabloid television shows and Maury Povich (the topic last week was “I didn’t know he was my Dad but now he’s my Baby Daddy”), I was struck by one pesky, unshakeable thought.
Who cares?
Why was it so paramount for a Denver television news station to start its 5 o’clock broadcast with the latest on the Woods non-investigation? Was there a public safety threat? Did Tiger’s Escalade happen to be careening towards a home in the Denver area? Two local drivers did plant their vehicles in houses last week but, alas, neither was a professional golfer.
Maybe Tiger was in town, hosting auditions for his new reality television show “So you think I can drive?” Nope.
It’s that herd mentality. Remember that scene from “Airplane!” where the group of reporters toppled over a row of phone booths as they run into them all at once? Same thing.
The purveyance of pop culture dominated headlines is sickening. Do I really care that Adam Lambert kissed some guy during the American Music Awards? No. Am I glad it wasn’t me? Well, sure.
But the media gives us what we want. We weren’t subjected to six hours of Falcon Heene coverage (As My Balloon turns) against our will. If people ate lima beans at a buffet, there would be lima beans at the buffet.
The media is a consumer-fed beast. Sure, after a few days, we scream we’ve had enough. But it’s too late.
And yet, here I am. Playing into the game. Giving a story with no worldly or wordly value even more ink.
But I’m hooked. I can’t help it. I’m dying to know the difference between a golf ball and an Escalade.

So long

Dear Knowmers,
Let's face it. We knew this was coming for a while. My daily posts have turned into weekly posts, my weekly posts have turned into monthly posts and my monthly posts have turned into no posts at all. And judging by some comments left on my last post, the inactivity and inanity of my blogging has become to too much for some to bear. I know it's cliche but "it's not you, it's me." In my many roles as managing editor, I simply don't have the time to do this blog justice any more. As for meaty posts tackling real issues, that was never my intent here. It was supposed to be fun, a break from the day-to-day grind of life (for both you and me). I always worried anything else would compromise my most-prized asset – objectivity. I tried to resurrect it as a site to be critical of the media but it only came off as sniping about Denver television media and that doesn't do any good. This isn't goodbye. You can still find me in the papers and I've been churning out a ton of stories lately. I've cherished this unique way to interact with you and appreciate your devout following. I'll leave it up for a while so you can take in some of the best of – I think it still stands up.
Kevin

I'll support this law

I'm not sure on the whole hands-free cell phone legislation making its way through the state legislature – seems like another way for the man to keep me down. But I will support a similar law. Yesterday, I was following a piece of construction equipment down Riverdale Road. Everytime I attempted to get around him, he would drift to the center line. At first, I thought he was just being annoying. Turns out he was on his cell phone. Construction equipment drivers on cell phones is a disaster waiting to happen. Please ban that! Any legislator want to take up my cause?

It's a major award!

Would you look at that? It's a lamp!

HILLSBORO, Ore.— A scary situation turned into a strange one when a bomb squad determined that a suspicious package left outside the Washington County Sheriff's Office contained a prosthetic leg. Sheriff's Sgt. Vance Stimler said deputies called the Portland bomb squad out to Hillsboro Sunday afternoon after noticing a canvas bag with a cylinder-shaped object sticking out.
With the help of a robot, the bomb squad quickly discovered the object was not an explosive.

Pirates with pizzaz

More than 20 million people, based on the number of people who loved those Johnny Depp movies, tuned in yesterday to see the shocking but heartwarming conclusion to the television miniseries "Captain Phillips and the Wiley Pirates of Somalia." With the monotony of seeing "The 10 Commandents" every Saturday night before Easter, this show offered a new, exciting drama for our growing, non-secular society. Would Capt. Phillips try to jump out of the boat again, would his woe-begotten crew continue their voyage to Africa and what would the Obama family name their dog? Everybody got their answers in a stunning turn of developments delivered across all cable news outlets. Bo, the President's new Portugese water dog, was air-dropped on to the listless life boat where he fought off the pirates in a riveting scene of hand-to-hand combat rivaled only by Jackie Chan in his prime. When they do this again year, I would only offer a few suggestions. More pirate-speak. How awesome would it have been to hear one of the pirates say "Shiver me timbers, we will not let yer capt'n go" or "Walk thee plank, Phillips, yur landlubber." I'd like to see Bubba from Forrest Gump (Mykelti Williamson) cast in the role of the lead pirate and, if his hand has recovered, Morgan Freeman, as the griseled old pirate tasked with trying to provide a peaceful resolution. Well done, good show, can't wait till next Easter.

A bad case of the runs

I get a kick-out of television news station and their promotional commercials where they attempt to convey to you how hard they are working to bring you the news. They do this with a montage of videos of anchors and television reporters walking around the newsroom (sorry, information center) really fast – speed-walking fast. (That's the 7News reporting team in the picture). And while they are walking, they are also talking (impressive in itself). As they are hustling around the office, they say things to you like "We're committed to bringing you the news" or "Where's the shitter? I had bad seafood salad." That would constitute a bad case of the runs. Sometimes in their haste to walk around fast and tell you how why they are walking fast, they very narrowly miss running into one another. At which point, another reporter rushing to cover the first two reporters colliding would trip over them and knock over a morning show anchor filling up a hot cup of coffee. No worries, the anchor would just smile and say, "Ow, that burns. Feels like a Monday. (Cue canned applause) Often, they stop walking and talking to sit at a desk and talk really fast on the cell phone about a story they are working. "That's right, Johnson, I need the footage of the penguin with a slightly discolored left fin for the 10 p.m. open tonight, dammit!" This is all supposed to inspire me that my television news team is working hard for me. I would prefer to see them interviewing somebody or calmly sitting at a desk, collecting facts.
All this running does is make me dizzy. It's a wonder they can chain these people down to conduct a newscast. But, in my efforts to keep up with the latest trends, I'm now going to require my reporters to write their stories as they pace back and forth across our information center. It only makes sense.

Out of my way blizzard - time for the Storm Force

I catch myself wondering how much different last Thursday's spring storm would have been if we had The Storm Force. You ask, "What's The Storm Force?" Good question. If you're a media purveyor like myself, you know that Fox 31 and KWGN Channel 2 have combined operations. What does it mean? It means stuff like Channel 2 News is on at 7 p.m. now for people who can't wait till 9 to hear our economy sucks and it means they have really hip commercials that encourage you "It's time to lose wait." If it was a commercial for speedy oil changes and not diet supplements, it would be perfect. It also means they are calling themselves "The Deuce" but only because The Doz would have – wait for it– alienated non-illegal immigrant viewers. But, more than anything, it means The Storm Force.
The Storm Force is a group of mutated meteorologists created by the maniacal Dr. Xavier to help stop El Nino but, now that their work is done, they are teaming up to fight weather in Colorado. Angie "Don't Call Me Steve" Austin has laser vision able to deflect an incoming storm front. Dave "Down Goes" Frazer can move faster than a F4 Tornado and hangs out in mobile home parks way more often too. Jason "My last name doesn't avail itself to a nickname" Boyer can morph into a giant wall that saves helpless skiers from a coming avalanche. Together, they are The Storm Force – our last home against their archenemy – the evil Mother Nature. They will save you and let you know to grab a jacket Thursday – highs in the mid 50s and lows in the 30s.

Bad idea

I think it's abhorrent that, in the midst of a state budget crisis, Gov. Bill Ritter would give serious talk to Colorado bidding on the 2018 Winter Olympics. The economic windfall of hosting the Olympics is dwarfed by the enormous financial burden of preparing our state to be an Olympic venue. Generations to come would suffer the financial burden of hosting this event. I know we hosted the DNC but this is a different story. Plus, if you think FasTracks is going to be in place to shuttle all those people around by then, dream on! Bad idea in the '70s, (thanks, Dick Lamm), worse idea now. Let somebody else handle this financial boondoggle.

Cameron Morons

Even though I thought it was cool that President Obama filled out a bracket for the NCCA basketball tourney. Not everyone was impressed, particularly Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski.
"Somebody said that we're not in President Obama's Final Four, and as much as I respect what he's doing, really, the economy is something that he should focus on, probably more than the brackets," Krzyzewski told a reporter from the Associated Press on Wednesday.
Make no mistake, this has nothing to do with Obama or politics. Don't even go there. This is the Duke culture – the belief that "we're so great, how could anybody not root for us?" Guess what, Coach K, I didn't pick Duke to win it all either. Am I still allowed to participate or do I need to go back to my coal mine. Only one goon picked Duke to win in our office pool. Stop being a sniffling, whining brat.
If Obama picked Duke to win, or at least not UNC, this wouldn't be an issue at all. Hey Obama, I think Coach K. can can have a spot in your cabinet. Name him "Treasurer Secretary of Petty Poor Sports."

Disturbia

Troubling news, at least for a newspaper man, out of Greeley where the city's lame-duck mayor publicly stated he hopes the Greeley Tribune folds. He made the comments during the Amy Oliver Show on KFKA. The paper has been critical of Clark's tenure as mayor and apparently some of the decisions he has made or all of the decisions he has made – bet they loved this one. This is troubling. Because, although Clark's declaration in no way means the Trib will fold, in fact it probably means they'll stay in business just to torture him – any public official lobbying for more than 100 people to lose their jobs in his own community is really sickening. How skewed is your perspective, how full of yourself are you when you can ask for that. Say you want the editor to get fired, say you want the editorial board to die in a freak Weld County Fair accident but there are a lot more people employed at the paper then the ones who put paper to pen and make you angry. Even more troubling is we won't hear the last of this. With newspapers down right now, plenty are attempting to get their kicks in. Some public officials annoyed by accountability are dreaming of a day when no one looks over their shoulder. If any public officials suggests to you their town would be better with out a paper, ask to look in their closet.

Obama Tonight Show appearance

Depending on what camp you're in, President Obama's appearance on The Tonight Show is being viewed very differently. For conservatives, it was another example of "President Clueless riding his celebrity status for yucks in this bleak time when our country needs serious talk about the economy." I'm guessing there are more than a few Republicans lining up at their Special Olympics chapter for political capitol this morning. To that I say, "Ye who has not made a derogatory Special Olympics joke, cast thy first stone." For liberals and Obamamians, it was another example "of one our nations most charismatic, dynamic leaders finding new ways to connect with the American people." I'm not going to try to forge that gap, cept to say this week, I might find myself in the latter camp. Obama already had me sold, at least for this week,when he picked the same Final Four as me. Looking aside from the political B.S., I'm impressed by Obama's ability and apparent willingness to appeal to Americans on different levels. Seems like presidential candidates do the late night appearances to garner votes but once they get the job, that stuff is taboo. I had to pause his appearance last night, turn to my wife and ask, "Isn't this cool, the President having a casual but frank conversation about the state of our economy and our country. I think he is bringing the politically apathetic (myself included) back to the discussion. And Republican, Democrat or Naderfiffc, that's cool!

Will it work?

Journalism is in the blood so it's not surprising that former Rocky staffers didn't announce yesterday they are starting a chain of sandwich shops. Instead, they have formed an paid, online news site - indenvertimes.com and have begin a subscription drive. This is going to be interesting to watch. There was a great deal of sentimentality and good wishes when the Rocky ended last month. But it's kind of like when your skeezy uncle dies. You say a lot of nice things at the funeral but you never expect he'll come back from the dead. While it may carry on the journalistic integrity of the Rocky, this will be something different. Not only will it be online, it will require a fee for subscribers. It will kind of be like that other blonde chick who replaced Farrah Fawcett on Charlie's Angels. I'm not sure loyal Rocky subscribers who have no use for the Internet (like my Dad) will see the value. Plus, newspaper war back on! The Post was as gracious as they could be in kicking the Rocky to the curb but now they must turn their attention to crushing this journalistic insurgency. If it does work, it could revolutionize the newspaper industry. If it doesn't work, Rocky staffers have simply delayed the inevitably of finding another job (Welcome to Wal-Mart) and can spend at least a few more months doing what they love. Either way, watch and see.

McCutlergate

This town's media appetite for the Broncos is well known. I don't even waste time anymore lamenting the amount of coverage devoted to the Broncos during the season and even during the off-season. But I am alarmed by the breadth and scope of coverage being devoted to the growing rift between new Broncos' coach Josh McDaniels and alienated quarterback Jay Cutler. In fact, on 9news, they are actually sending out general assignment reporters (Thanh Troung and Jaime Kim) to offer live reports from Dove Valley. Now, I'm aware that the Denver Post does the majority of work for 9News (save the occasional (9wants to know investigation on state employees urinating in port-o-lets on the taxpayer's dime) but where are the sports reporters. Isn't this their job. Send out Susie Wargin and Rod Mackey. Sports live in their own delusional world of self-importance out there. We shouldn't mix it with news.

The New Rocky

FORMER ROCKY JOURNALISTS TO HOLD NEWS CONFERENCE
A New Vision Based on a 150-Year Tradition To Be Announced
Denver, CO – Thousands of loyal readers in Denver and journalism supporters across the country have rallied around the former Rocky staff members and encouraged them to continue delivering their high standard of professional journalism to the Mile High City. Founders of IWANTMYROCKY.COM and other former Rocky journalists will hold a news conference to unveil the next chapter of a 150-year Denver tradition.
Who: Former Rocky Journalists and Staff
What: News Conference
Where: AURARIA CAMPUS
9th Street and Lawrence Way
In front of St. Cajetan’s on the Auraria Campus
Enter from 7th Street
When: Monday, March 16, 2009, 11 a.m. MDT

News. Period.

In my still relatively short journalism career, this will mark my seventh year in the biz (post-college) there is one criticism that I hear repeatedly. And it's not just from random passerbys, I hear it from my wife's own Grandma.
"I stopped taking the newspaper because it's all bad news" or "all I read in the paper is bad news."
Honestly, it's like fingernails on a chalkboard to me, people. Because to me, it's not a matter of good news, it's not a matter of bad news. It's news. Crime happening, businesses closing, it's not uplifting, it's just what happens. It's our job to keep people informed.
The problem with the only print good news theory is that no one can ever susbtaniate it. What's good news? A set of twins being born, how about octuplets? That started out as good, heartwarming news but now it's tabloid fodder.
If I knew that putting fluff on the front page of the paper would sell as many copies as a story of a shooting or a car accident down the street, I would have jumped on that a long time ago.
Some of our competition in Brighton stakes itself on only sharing good news. In fact, they market themselves as an alternative or replacement to us on that fact. Which is fine.
But in the effort to be sacharrine sweet, when does one become a gatekeeper? It's nice for the city council to pat you on the head and say "we like you a lot better because you are nice and don't say anything mean about us." But who are we serving here? I think it would become such a handicap that you would not be able to take critical stances on anything. If this paper hadn't taken a skeptical stance on Union Pacific relocating and educated its readership on what it meant, then Brighton sure wouldn't be espousing the benefits of Vestas today.
What do you think?

The New No Means Know

Posts have been few and far between lately. Sorry to my loyal followers. So, today, is the beginning of a new No Means Know. You'll notice it's less glitzy. Thanks to my wife for the awesome blog designs she has always given me. But, maybe this bare bones format, will appeal more to the direction I want to take my blog. As a newspaper editor, I find about 90 percent of my work day devoted to media issues from day to day decisions to the future of our paper and this whole business. Some of these issues are mundane, some are fascinating. The face of the newspaper industry is changing (Bye, Rocky), I'd love to get your thoughts on that. And, while this blog has been almost exclusively devoted to harmless fun over the past couple years, I'm hoping we can still share some yucks but advance the discussion about media, life, a lot of different things. If I find some time to touch on my life as a journalist, I look forward to that too. I'm hoping it means more posts for you to read, I'm hoping it means for comments for me to read. I look forward to this new journey.

It's over there

Working on a brief vignette this morning about a rash of burglaries in northern Commerce City. The little pukes took jewelry, money and home electronics including televisions.
I get down a little farther in the press release and the police recommend, to safeguard your home, leaving the television on.
Well, why not? That's going to save your neighborhood burglar a hell of a lot of time if they don't have to search around for the television. Follow the sound, boys! In fact, leave HBO on too, so they have something to watch while they steal all your other stuff.

The bestest

Today's Brighton Blade is the best issue I have ever been a part of, if only purely from a news content standpoint. Our reporters are the best and they worked their butts off last week. Get a copy (it's worth the 50 cents) or read it online and contribute to the demise of online journalism.

Success = humiliation

Educators have it rough these days: mediocre pay, long hours, physical torture.
Yeah, you heard me.
Rarely a week goes by that I don’t hear about a teacher or principal kissing a pig, shaving their head or being taped to a wall. These stunts, which not only keep community journalists employed, are designed to give students that extra nudge needed to achieve a specific goal.
For example, if all the kids score proficient or advanced on the CSAP exam, then the principal will be lowered from a 100-foot crane into a vat of boiling lava. Or, if the kids read 100 books or more in the month of February, then their favorite teacher will eat three jars of possibly salmonella-tainted peanut butter. The kids are clearly excited at the prospect of humiliating adults because, after all, what group of kindergartners hasn’t yearned since their days of infancy to stick it to the man?
The kids inevitably meet the goal. Then we have an assembly where the local media are invited, despite public flogging technically being outlawed since the days of the Roman Empire, and the principal says “Well kids I didn’t think you could do it but nobody spilled their milk in the lunchroom for 30 days, so I’m going to wrestle this 280-pound chimpanzee.”
The kids are winners. Snap a picture. Everybody’s happy.
But I don’t know.
Schools might be giving kids just the tool they need to survive in today’s avaricious business world. Because what have we learned in light of the recent economic downturn? We have learned that success means you can do anything you want.
If you’re a bank executive, you can play fast and loose with money, give people mortgages they can’t afford and still scrape by with your private jet. In fact, the federal government might even give you some extra money for all your trouble. You can drain your employees’ 401K and dump your stock when you see the company tanking because you’re a CEO. I bet Joe Nacchio’s teachers were all bald. We can even apply it to sports. You’re rich, you’re successful Alex Rodriguez. Why can’t you use steroids?
Why does success mean humiliation? Why, to encourage students to be successful, it has to come at the expense of others?
I like students having incentives to succeed. One immediately springs to mind. Teachers used to rely on this intricate set of letters to determine whether a student had succeeded or not. My memory is foggy but I think there was an A, a B, maybe even an F.
But, if I remember right, those became far too political. Students who weren’t getting the right letters felt bad. It was just easier to bean a teacher with a pie in the face.
Better yet, why don’t we extol the virtues of students getting high school and college diplomas and getting good jobs as incentives?
Nah, lame idea.
Bring on the pig.

Travis was murdered!

• Anybody catch the Obama speech last night? Thoughts? The man can deliver a speech – that is pretty obvious. And he can bring Nancy Pelosi out of her seat like a bunch of hippies at a Grateful Dead concert. I was concerned that Michelle Obama brought a surrogate first daughter to the event. That wasn't Sasha.

• Can Pilot Chester Sullivanberger or whatever his name is get back to flying planes. Obviously we've had several major, fatal crashes since the the Flight 1549 miracle because Sully is singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl, presiding over midnight revivals of "Airplane" at the Bogcocio Theater and kissing babies at high school pep rallies. Captain Sully, you're needed at the white courtesy phone. No, the white one.

• If you don't want a youth prison in Brighton, stop yelling at the city council. Talk to the parents of these kids who keep getting in trouble.

• Sit down Nancy, that was nothing to clap about.

• The coyotes in Denver are getting a bad rap. Coyotes don't kill people, people kill people.

• I'm still reeling from the shocking shooting death of Travis the Chimpanzee last week. The cops say they mistook the banana in his hand for a gun but I'm not buying it. There is a cover-up. The purported attack that preceded the shooting has been mischaracterized. It was the result of a love triangle that went bad. And the cop who shot Travis was the husband of one of the victims.

• Let this be a reminder hot monkey love is good at the time but it always, always end badly.

• I hope Capt. Chestyburger can speak at Travis' funeral.

• Did anybody watch the Oscars. Didn't think so. Slumdog Millionaire – the story of federally-bailed out bank executives – won best picture. And the chick from Titanic won best actress. Not the old lady.

Kevin out. Big ups to B-town.